I quit chasing the big O

Yes, Orgasm!

I don’t care about them anymore!!! Life is just better like that.

No, it doesn’t mean I don’t have sex anymore, but I just don’t chase this end goal and destination as if it determined how enjoyable and “successful” that round was. I don’t understand this societal pressure about wanting to have one or give one (or ten). And people (mostly men, if I want to be honest) measure their “success” or manhood by the numbers of orgasms they could “give” to the woman.

First, and foremost, no one can give a woman an orgasm, BUT herself! If she can’t relax her mind enough, can’ center in the now enough, she will not be able to cum even if the guy is performing a  Cirque du Soleil act on her, because she will be preoccupied with the endless grocery list or her oncoming headache. But I don’t want to minimize the role of the man after all, since he is not just there to carry a warmed up cock on his body, but also to stimulate the woman’s mind and body at the same time (or hopefully so, because unfortunately there are many men out there who prefer the wham-bamm-thank you ma’am jackrabbit style f*cking). But where was I?

My point is basically that men can do whatever they want, but whether the orgasm happens or not, that doesn’t have much to do with them. It is a good news thought! You guys can all relax… and then while so relaxed, pick up the Slow Sex book and educate yourselves. Most women have a hard time achieving (btw, I don’t like that this  word implies another “achievement” and masculine energy, go hustle and push hard until you reach the top) ORGASMS, because of hundreds of reasons. Influence of a conservative mom, religious hangups, shame and guilt around the topic, low self-esteem, shyness, fear of your own wild feminine, hormonal imbalance and physical reasons, etc…
And then if that wasn’t enough reason, there are those weirdos like me, myself and Irene, who is absolutely illogical when it comes to cumming. I noticed that every time I fully enjoyed the whole sexual encounter and I felt loved, safe, desired and sexy as hell, and the energies were flowing freely between us, I enjoyed so much of every moment of it, that I was not possibly able to bring myself to the top and end it. But with guys I didn’t care about or was even somehow taken aback by them, I came all the time. I made myself cum…again, not their achievement, because I did the work on my own body, but I managed to cum.

So now tell me, how is this even possible? How is this a reflection of the quality of the sex you are having?

So I recently had an amazing night with a guy I am madly in love with, and I told him that the whole night we are not allowed to cum at all. Whenever we get close to it, we will slow down and calm down. Believe it or not, that was the most fantastic night so far. We had passionate, sensual, loving and amazing sex for 3 hours without cumming once, and I can not tell you how great that was. We were in the present moment the whole time, taking it all in, not trying to get anywhere, reach anything, but soaking in all the sensuality, all the passion, all the desire and giving it back to the other one. Without an agenda, a final destination, you can just be in the now fully present and not having to rush anywhere makes each and every moment that much sweeter.  It showed him how great sex can be just for the sake of sex, and not because you got to a final destination and you achieved a goal.

I highly recommend it to any couple out there to try this out once in a while.

sex

 

(PS: We did have sex in the morning and did cum 😉 and that was good, too!)

Quitting to-do list

I love quitting, and since I’ve practiced it so much, I can rightfully say that I am a master at it by now. Yet, I still have so many things I would like to know how to quit.

These are the things I wish I could quit:

  • thinking it’s my fault and I did something wrong when someone doesn’t call me back for a second or third date.
  • creating horror stories in my mind when something doesn’t go the way I expected
  • eating meat (but that thing just taste too good, and I am too lazy to come up with new recipes)
  • not to see the negatives in people so early on in the game
  • seeking love, approval and understanding from other people, and give it to myself fully.
  • thinking that happiness is out there, a career, a thick bank account, a devoted lover or a long travel away. It isn’t.
  • obsessing about “knowing” and could just appreciate and focus on “being” instead.
  • Chocolate Hazelnut Milkshake from BurgerVille (but that shit is too addictive, and I’ll just have to endure the torture until it is finally off- season).
  • thinking that I am not a good enough mom, just because I don’t live up to the false, unrealistic image I’ve created in my head about good moms. Or thinking life would be better if I didn’t have kids. (because that’s not true…but I sure can convince myself often about it)
  • holding on so tight and just let everything go… let myself go…. let everything flow.
  • thinking….obsessing about certain thoughts.
  • Tinder ( it always comes back to my life, promising me the world, and leaving me empty and nauseated)
  • being so hard on myself sometimes
  • being afraid to speak up, ask for what’s mine.
  • doubting myself and my talents, skills.
  • staying up late at nights and waking up tired the next day. (that’s why I’m stopping now and going to bed!)

 

The list is not finished, but I quit in the middle …

Although I have my work cut out for me, and one will be harder than the other to accomplish, I am still hopeful that my quitting skills will get better and better with time, and I will be able to check off all of these bulletpoints on the list.

(Not sure about the milkshake though…. that probably has crack cocaine in it, and I am hopelessly weak against that.)

milkshake

I quit feeling guilty

Feeling guilty is an absolutely useless and unproductive emotion. It does nothing to change the past, totally ruins your present and will most likely not help you act differently in the future either. No matter how much we hope that the longer we torture ourselves with this feeling, the better we will be in the future. That’s bullshit!

I had a long talk with my friend today about how I acted with my kids recently, how irritated I got early in the morning when I was not fully awake, yet they were already  sucking my blood and energy with full force. I told her I was not proud of how I behaved, but also, I was not giving into this guilty feeling that was slowing creeping up on me whenever I was think about the past. Because I am a human being with my own limitations, my own weaknesses, and no matter how much I’m trying to be holy and immaculate and this mature adult persona, I still have my Achilles heel, and that’s too much noise too early in the morning. So I have two roads in front of me:

1) I can either sit here, feel like a shitty miserable human being and beat myself up over what I did, but that’s not gonna change anything in the past at all. I won’t be able to go back and redo it. And even if I would be able to go back, feeling how I felt at the moment, thinking the thoughts I had at the time, I realize I had absolutely no choice BUT to act the way I did. I was believing my thoughts. I believed that humans shouldn’t be able to utter a word before 9 am and I believed I was tired, sick and exhausted. I believed I was irritated. So based on what I believed, the only way I could respond is barking at my kids to leave me alone until I prepare breakfast. That’s it. I can drive myself crazy with the “shoulda, woulda, coulda”s of life, but what good would that do, and how would that change anything???? It would just make me feel even more shitty about myself…and we all know how good, mature and responsible those humans act who feel horrible about themselves.

*OR*

2) I can just accept that the past has happened the way it happened, and I have no control over it anymore. I can make amends, apologize to my kids, tell them that I prefer silence in the mornings and we can work out a plan how to coexist in the mornings so everyone is happy in the future. And I did it all. Plus on top of it all, I threw a HUGE amount of self love and forgiveness into the mix.

But how could you? You don’t deserve it?! You should feel ashamed longer. You messed up! What’s to love about that? About you? How can you possibly love a person who yells and isnangry in the mornings? How can you possibly love that part of you?”

Well, guess what?! That’s part of me, too. Just like the nice, the funny, the happy, the flexible, the creative me, so is the annoyed, cranky, irritated, loud, angry parts. They all create the whole and I LOVE every little bit of it. Especially the ones that don’t deserve love. Because those parts NEED it the most. And I accept them. I won’t fight against them. Because the more I fight and deny them, the stronger they get, and the more frequently they come back. So I accept them as they are, part of me, part of you and part of everyone. And I love that I get to experience how it feels to be angry, annoyed, cranky and irritated. That’s part of the human existence package I signed up for. No one said we should always be holy, quiet and balanced. So why should I put this unrealistic expectation on me?

I am human, and I love that. I have all kinds of emotions and I love that. I lose my temper and I love that (because that way I can relate to people who do as well). I realize when I fuck something up, and I love that (how mature I become). I apologize when I am aware of my fuckups, and I love that.(props to me) I love the whole process, because why not? Going against it and arguing with it will make me lose that battle (but only a 100% of the time, as Byron Katie so wisely said).

So that’s how I broke up my on again/off again relationship with my boyfriend, Guilt. It was an unproductive, not efficient, toxic relationship, and I am better off without him!

So long Jimmy… I mean, Guilt!

 

* The joy of Quitting *

Quitting has such a horrible rep. In today’s pushy, go-getter, neurotic society everyone is praising the stubborn, sweaty and masculine slogan that screams: KEEP GOING! NEVER GIVE UP!

How fucked up is that? REALLY???? Never give up? Are you out of your mind?

What if that thing I am so stubbornly not giving up is costing me my health? My wonderful relationships? My happiness? My sanity? My balance, my calm and ultimately my life? Should I just keep going on because at the end, supposedly there will be a reward waiting for me… something that will make me happy for ever, and ever?

Bullshit. The illusion of these fairy tales and action movies are over.

I’m saying: GIVE UP! Quit! Just do it! 🙂

And I’ll teach you how!

I am a master of QUITTING! I used to think that this was a handicap of mine, a weakness, a trait that I have to kill or at least overcome. Until I realized that there are no weaknesses, faults and negative traits, because everything is just a matter of context. Just like being stubborn might be a “weakness” when it comes to a popularity contest, but it serves you well when you believe in an idea and you actually manifest it and you make your big bux off of it. And so on and so on….and the same is true for QUITTING! It was my “weakness” for 35 years, or so I thought. I had many great ideas, but I never stuck with any of them, because…. well…. I was just too good at this Quitting thing after all. I had my PhD in it. Until I gave up the notion of beating myself up for it and started celebrating this trait in myself as if it was an amazing part of me.

And guess what?!

As it turns out, it is an amazing thing indeed! Being able to quit has saved me from spending my whole life in a sexless, lifeless, suffocating, lonely marriage of mine, has saved my sanity when it came to quitting a soul-sucking job that drained my energy on a daily basis, has prevented me to go into very bad relationships because I could quit them early on, and every day lately I see more and more benefits to my “weakness” and more and more reasons to celebrate it.

So join me on this journey of quitting and let’s celebrate ourselves as we are. QUIT blaming and torturing ourselves for what we are, and instead let’s learn the joy of quitting… there is sooooo many amazing things are waiting for us to be quit! Let’s not waste time holding onto them any longer! 🙂