I quit playing it safe

I have a confession. I have a tendency to always choose the safe option. When I was 14 years old and had to choose a high school to apply for (back at home you had to take a test to get into the better schools, you couldn’t just go based on your grades) I REALLY wanted to go to the one that was teaching every subject in English and it was a hard one, but it really excited me. Then the fear of failing to be accepted, and the humiliation that would follow it (only to be humiliated in front of myself, because truly, no one gave a damn if I got in or not) I chose to go to a very lame high school, where I knew for sure that I would get in without even lifting a finger. Yes, I was bored out of my mind there for 4 years, and I didn’t learn much at all (because it was a weak school) but it was safe, and I got in and it helped me avoid the fear of humiliation and that’s all I care about. Then came the men in my life. Yes, I have been into good looking and popular guys at the very beginning, when my hormones started to hijack my mind, but I quickly learnt the lesson that these guys are unreliable players and won’t stay faithful to me (or anyone else) plus I didn’t  really stand a chance to even score one, to begin with ..but in case I still did, it wouldn’t last long anyway. So in order to protect myself from humiliation again, I learnt to be attracted to the less fortunate looking, loyal guys with a good job. They were the safe options. And I always played it safe. I guess there could be many reasons to this false belief, misconception I bought into, but I never really spent enough time, energy, thought (or psychedelics) to contemplate this question yet.

So recently a guy came into my life. Boy, was I NOT sold from the very beginning. I felt zero chemistry with him, I was not really entertained by our conversations either, I felt like we were speaking in completely different time zones, our humor never matched (the worst :)) and sex was at best a mediocre one. But what worked for him is that he seemed to be into me, was starting to take this whole dating thing seriously with me, and seemed to be a loyal one with a good job and a good body. Oh, and one other thing worked for him: he was a cozy cuddler. He felt like a comfy sofa to me. And that’s when it hit me: “holy shithole, I am dating my ex husband all over again, but this time in a black packaging.”

I noticed that every cell in my body was screaming “GET OUT QUICK” yet my logical, reasonable mind was saying: “Just give him another chance, you might be wrong, your intuition could be off, maybe you won’t find anyone better and he is SAFE for you.”

There you go again, the biggest temptation of my life: SAFETY. ME, who thought was brave, spontaneous, adventurous and exciting, I gravitated towards safety when it came to relationships. But somehow I managed to get the courage and tell him that I”m gonna go on other dates, we are not dating yet and the 3 most important things that matter in my life are not present in our relationship, so let’s not wait around for each other. This conversation landed somehow completely different on his ears, because as it turns out, he went home thinking we just learnt a bit more about each other, and now we will put more effort into making it work. (GO FIGURE…again, our conversations never really happened in the same universe, as you can tell.)
The next day I scheduled 2 dates for myself. I didn’t really care at all about either one of them, didn’t even know their names, and I didn’t even shower….yes, that’s how much I didn’t give a rats ass about it all. But I didn’t want to be with the wrong guy anymore, so I did what I knew best: going on first dates (gosh, I could write a book about my 50 first dates 🙂 ).
I planned on eating lunch with this boy, then paying for it myself and going home to get ready for the next one. But somehow life had a different plan all along. He showed up, he was cute…handsome and gorgeous….but young, damn it, 5 yrs younger than me. I never dated younger ones because they just never seemed mature enough for me. But this boy was so wise. So smart, and so kind. Polite, funny, considerate, non-judgmental, level -headed and have I mentioned yet???: beautiful!!!! I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And the more we talked, the more we realized that we were exactly the same in EVERY. SINGLE. WAY…but in opposite gendered bodies. We were so similar that it is not even funny. At this point I still didn’t think much of him and wasn’t gonna move this date any forward, because I quit having sex on first days a while ago and I didn’t really want to be intimate with him (I mentioned that I didn’t shower, right?! :))) But after lunch we went for coffee, and talked and talked and talked some more, then we went to the movies (we kissed throughout the whole movie like dumb teenagers) and before I knew it, I spent the whole day with him. Then I had to go on a meeting and also on my second date, but since that turned out so boring, I got up early and I said goodnight, called my little boytoy, picked him up and brought him home, finally showered (!!!) and had mindblowing sex with him all night (and morning).

When I told my friend (who happened to be one of the best psychotherapist ever) the whole story, and how much this boytoy is out of my comfort zone of what I am used to and feel safe in, she encouraged me to continue this relationship.
Why is he so out of your comfort zone when he sounds so dreamy?” you might ask.
Well, sweetheart, because of 3 reasons. 1) He is Indian (dot, not feather…and if you know me, I am not racist, but I have NEVER been attracted to Indians. So much so, that I have never ever found one that was somewhat good looking and sexy for me even after 5 shots of fireballs and 5 glasses of tequila.) And I was dumping a black guy for an Indian (again, if you know me, I think black men are just gods walking in a human form on this Earth)..and yes, he has an accent…but not as bad as most of them though. I can understand him for the most part. Oh, man, it came out so stereotypical and judgmental, but these are my honest feelings, I can’t sugarcoat it.
2) he is younger than me, which is my own NO NO (for me, not for others) and have I mentioned how beautiful he was?! Gorgeous! Handsome! Can’t take my eyes off of him pretty.  And that equally unstable grounds, run as far as you can back into the arms of a safe and boring man.
3) he is just like me, which in many ways amazing and I love  him for it. BUT!!!! He has commitment issues just like me, and not a relationship type, loyal, monogamous person AKA totally unsafe choice. Just like I am for any other man.
But I have never felt so amazing during sex with almost anyone else before. There was another (also unsafe guy in my life, who rocked my world in bed and I thought no one could ever come close to him….well, this kid did it! He is right there on that level and it is amazing!!! He is so loving in bed, so thoughtful, so gentle and so rough, he is everything I need and more)…but he is not guaranteed for the long run! He is here for a good time, not for a long time.

But when you really think about it, who and what is ever guaranteed in this life? Just because someone utters all these fancy vows at the wedding, does it mean it guarantees their forever love and comfort until you both die together in each others arms!? If that was the case, 50% of  marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce. And just because someone says they are not a committing type and they don’t wanna fall in love and be with one person only, it doesn’t mean it will never happen either. (Maybe not with me, but it can still happen…life goes its own way, it doesn’t ask our opinion about it anyway). So whatever we say or think or do is not permanent, and making decisions in the moment based on safety will only prevent ourselves from all the great love, fun and blessings that are behind the walls of fear.

So I promised my friend that from now on, I will always choose the direction that scares me the most. No matter what it is, whenever I come to a fork in the road, and I need to make a decision, I will not go towards safety anymore, but I will embrace my fears and face them head on. Let’s see what’s on the other side. Let’s see what’s the big deal about them all. Let’s meet the old man behind the curtain and tell him he has no power over me anymore. I am ready. I am done sitting on the side benches, watching the game but never participating in it because of fear of humiliation, failure, pain. You know what?! It is part of life, just like happiness, fun, excitement and pleasure. Bring them all on! I am ready to face fear…even if I end up with bruises all over my body and heart, humiliated, laughed at and shitting my pants while I do it…I’m ready. I am tired of never trying and failing a 100% than giving things a chance and maybe,just maybe giving them a chance to surprise me at the end.

I quit social media

Ok, this sounded a tad more dramatic than it  really is in real life (just like everything else in social media 🙂 ) but it is true …. well, partially. (just to stay true to the social media theme over here 🙂 )

It’s a known fact that we spend hours and hours of our days on our “smart” phones while they are “dumbing” us down. (this might just be part of the a secret plan of the AI’s before they come to full consciousness and can rule over us 🙂 ) Anyways, focus, my Queen, focus!

phone3

So I noticed how much time I spent on my phone from the first moment I open my eyes….actually, I don’t even open my eyes yet, and my phone is in my hands, HELPING me be able to open my eyes and catch up with what I’ve missed during those lost hours of Zzzzz’s. How did the world go on without my surveillance over it on social media? So I used my phone instead of coffee to wake up as I mindlessly scroll on Instagram and Facebook (I am too old for Twitter and Snap and all that bullshit). While I admire the beautiful kids and sassy comments of Chrissy Teigen, root for Kendra Wilkinson to feel like her sexy self again, catch up with the Daily show’s tidbits here and there and drool over all the seemingly perfect relationships that my friends have and brag about in my news feed… I notice that in a mere 5 minutes of mindless scrolling, I went through a roller coast of emotions. And it is not even 8 o’clock yet. I got upset over the state of the world, then hopeless about it, then I saw a cute animal video and my heart got warm and fuzzy again,but that warmness quickly turned into jealousy, because why can’t my life be so picture perfect as the other “fake advertisements” coming from all my “friends” on Instagram. Basically I’ve felt at least 10 emotional ups and downs in a matter of 10 minutes before I even got out of my bed, and I’m already exhausted. How will I take on a whole day with this mindset.

And if this wasn’t enough, I’m dumb enough to not learn from my mistakes, just keep going back doing the same exact dumb sh*t throughout the whole day. But the more I “connect” to the outside world, the lonelier and more isolated I feel on the inside. I compare my life to all these perfect portraits, and I feel like I am lacking. In reality, I am not lacking anything, and I live in abundance (relatively speaking) but as soon as I take away my attention from what I got, and compare my life with others, I always fall short. Yes, there are some useful, innocent, cute, funny things on these apps as well, and that’s how they got you hooked… because if it was full of shit, no one would stay. But since you find some tasty blueberries and chocolate pieces in the middle of a shit show, you stay for those bits and pieces. Then there is the other pandora’s box: the online dating apps (Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, etc).They all make you think that the whole world is at your feet…or at your thumbs, and you can window shop anyone you’d like to have. It is like Amazon for human relationships. Only later on you realize that you’ve spent the majority of your day either swiping for the next instant match to get the next dose of quick dopamine fix for your brain, or wasting hours on endless, shallow small talks, arguing with strangers over basic etiquette and common sense, or watching the convo die shortly after the first “hi, hello” exchange. I guess it is not a surprise for anyone if I say that this kind of interaction gets very old very fast. And then again, you are there alone, exactly where you started, but a bit more burnt out and hating your life just with a bit more enthusiasm while you are glued to your phone 24/7.

phone

So, long story short(er), this morning I started thinking what people were doing in the Stone Age…you know, BEFORE smart phones were invented!?!?! I remember I was alive, and existed just fine without it (because I didn’t know what I was missing, you’d say oh-so-wisely :))) but just like I have no idea what on earth did I spend all that free time BEFORE I had kids, I don’t remember how life was without these time consuming parasite devices either. So I decided to give myself a break from it, and discover life beyond the apps and wonders (of social media).

I deactivated my Facebook ( it’s kinda like holding up a middle finger to it… and exactly as effective and dramatic, because absolutely no one gives a shit about me being on it or not 🙂  I was too much of a chicken to permanently delete my whole account, but I was pleasantly surprised that at least it is an option now, because Facebookoperate on the same principle as Hotel California… “you can check out, but you can never leave”. I enjoyed having the option, but I didn’t pull the trigger just yet.  Instead uninstalled Instagram, too. Ouch,  that hurt! That place is like a playground for my brain. I like creating insta stories, feeling insta creative on it, posting pictures with inspirational quotes and feel so spiritual, holier than thou, so unique  (along with all the other 5 million similar style accounts) and all my pole dancing tutorials were saved on that app as well. So that was a deep cut for my pretentious creative veins, but oh well, they say the survival rate is fairly high after such moves like this, so I am not too worried. Then I pulled the plug on all my dating apps….goodbye half naked bathroom selfies, fish pictures, oversized beards and half-assed “hello”s. How will I live without y’all, I’m not sure yet, but hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won’t be too intolerable.

phone 5

So there you have it… My phone is clean from all the time- consuming, mind-numbing apps I cherished for so long and now I don’t know what to do with my phone anymore…. paper wight? Flashlight? Alarm only? Do people still use that green thing…the call button? I guess I could text people, but since I can’t fish for new victims from Bumble anymore, and I don’t really have friends either, my phone is mostly silent with an occasional unsolicited sales or tax call. Now I am back to the dark ages, where life is silent, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore and I get to experience for the first time how it feels to be bored…or just BE! Just be with me….present in my life…then my kids (yes, they are still around, as I’ve noticed after I got my head buried out of my phone)…just to be with them and pay attention to them without being glued to my phone constantly. I get to be bored…..even if it is only for a minute, but now I know how boredom feels. Oh, the luxury of being bored. And I get to read more books….watch a movie….be in nature…brag about being better that you on an old school blog ….you know…back to reality.

I know I am speaking as an old veteran of this wild lifestyle …. but I am not. This whole exile only happened a few hours ago, so don’t be too proud of me just yet. And I don’t know how long it will last….but I hope I’ll get to enjoy this break at least for a whole week before I cave in again, and feel the irresistible urge to post a picture of my breakfast, or fish for likes with the newest, cutest thing my daughter just said.

What if, during my break, I just realize that most things in my life is just for ME, to take it all in and enjoy it fulling…not to pass along right away and measure the value of the post with the amount of likes it gets.  What a sick and twisted society we live in these days, and we don’t even realize it, only when we force ourselves to part with these apps, we feel the hole in us….But let me tell you, this hole is a lot bigger while you are ON these apps. You are just too distracted to notice it. And as you stop the noise, you notice the presence of the hole for the first time, and you don’t try to distract yourself from it with the next trending video or the other spiritual post you gift to the world, but you sit with it, with the silence, the hole, the vast darkness in you, and you just observe it, watch it and accept it as it is…and relax into it. Then it starts shrinking, and shrinking and shrinking until you are so comfortable with yourself that you can’t remember if you had a hole in you, or you were just simply one.

(an S hole…but that’s another topic for another day)