I quit giving a fitting title to this post, because I just realized something, yet I didn’t quit anything

I went to dance Zouk last night. The best dance of my life currently,  and my greatest addiction. And we learnt the technique of counterbalancing and the most important thing in that lesson we started with was self-awareness. Be aware of the space you take up, and then go find the center of it and get grounded in it. Once you know who you are, what you are and where there center is, the partner can enter into this grounded place   and then you both can find the center of that “we”. But it always starts with YOUR own center. You can’t skip that step no matter how much you want it. You can’t hope for an amazing (dance) partner to enter your life and get it going perfectly for you, because no matter how great the partner is, if YOU are not centered, if you are OFF balance, he won’t be able to do anything with you and the whole dance will look like a disaster. You can’t skip the work on yourself first. You have to get to know yourself intimately first. You have to find your center, your own self…and then guess what?! No matter who comes into your life, you will be able to dance the dance with them. With some it will be more pleasurable and flowy, and with others it will be harder, less enjoyable and fun, but you will always be able to stand your ground and be yourself no matter what life throws at you, because you are centered in YOURSELF, and not in others.

You have your own power!

Go inwards, find it, stand in it, be comfortable in it, and then let the dance partners come up to you and take you on many different journeys.

Enjoy the ride!

 

zouk

How I quit thinking…

…well, at least for a few hours. The key is: I moved into my body. Ditched that little upstairs room that I’ve occupied for so long, and went to explore the other part of the ME that I was living in.

You see, I have exhausted this road that I’ve been on for 3 decades. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking some more, creating and solving problems that didn’t even exist, just so my mind could keep itself occupied. And at times it was fun, it gave me a mindgasm to discover new ideologies, new ways of seeing things and new beliefs, teachings and practices. But then I hit a wall and I couldn’t go any longer. I was suffocating being enclosed in this tiny space in my head, listening to a constantly spinning squeaky wheel churning out the same old thoughts over and over again with no breaks in between. I have tried meditation with some success, but most of the time I have just fallen asleep (which is again, a nice break from the EGO, from the mind, but still… ). Eventually it got so much that I became bitter. I just felt that I don’t wanna hear one more word from spiritual teachings, self-improvement gurus, self-help books and so on. I just became exhausted and bitter and so negative about all those things. I hit rock bottom and a wall at the end of the one-way street that “thinking” provided. And I needed a break. A change! Something that would take me out of this old habitual thinking way of being and give me a relief from it.

That’s when salsa came back to my mind. I used to dance salsa socially 8 years ago on a strong intermediate level, but I stopped after I had kids. Now as I was feeling the craving for humans around me (not to talk to them, just be around them) I remembered this old friend of mine and I told her I would like to go with her dancing again. We went out that night and it felt like I’ve never left. The music, the people, the energy in the room was so engaging that I had no time or opportunity to think about anything else, but the dance.

That’s when I saw it in another room that a few people were dancing a strange dance that I was not familiar with. It seemed like it had no structure, yet things were just flowing perfectly to the rhythm of the music and it was mesmerizing. I asked for the name of this dance and they said it was called ZOUK. I’ve never heard about this before, but I was determined to learn it. So the next week I signed up to a class and it was the best decision I’ve made in a very long time. The teachers were so knowledgeable and talented, the music took me to a whole different world and my body was able to pick up every new movement with no problem. The energy in the room was so positive and uplifting and sensual all at the same time and I realized that I have so many hangups around my body and the expression of the body. I don’t want to take up too much space, I don’t want to be too flashy, I don’t want to be noticed, I don’t want to step into my own power and let go of control and just flow with the music and whatever comes out is fine that way…..no, that terrified me. But noticing these things helped me be aware of what was going on inside of me and that’s half the battle already. So whenever I started noticing these thoughts popping up, I just closed my eyes and I let go and moved into the present moment and followed what the lead was giving me, picking up on their energies, expressing it as it naturally wanted to be expressed and move on to the next movement in this perfect flow of life, no effort, no hardship, just flowing and creating and letting go of the old move and moving into the new one effortlessly. It was pure heaven.

zouk

As the night went on, after the lesson we stayed there for social dance and it was fantastic. All kinds of different levels were dancing together, the atmosphere was so accepting, encouraging and empowering that I felt like I have found the tribe that I have always been looking for. “My people”. The ones who get me and where talking is not necessary. We talked with our bodies instead and we were fully emerged in the present moment without thinking about future worries or past mistakes. And as the hours flew by, I felt more and more energized and happy on the inside. By the end of the night my legs were so tired, but my heart was so full of light and happiness, that I could not sleep for hours after that. Then in a matter of hours I had to wake up and go work out with a personal trainer, and it was brutal. He made me work my butt and leg muscles so much that I felt like jello afterwards but again, there was no room for thinking for a whole hour, just to be in the moment, focus on the present pain and do my best that I could.

So that’s what happened to me in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted beyond words and I feel like I could be falling asleep in a matter of seconds but on the inside I am so calm, happy, relaxed and full of creative energy that I feel like my chest is about the pop open.

In my whole life I have treated my body as if it was an oversized vehicle that’s only purpose was to carry my head around (that had my thinking trapped in it.) Ok, and providing occasional sexual pleasures here and there, but even that for me was a lot of brain work….sex….can you believe it? I had to think and concentrate so much to actually feel something. But now that I have left the upper room (like Rapunzel trapped in the the tower), I feel like I have finally discovered a whole new world. I have discovered that this house (AKA my body) has many many other rooms and facilities in it, and it is amazing. I am not gonna live and do everything only in that tiny little space anymore (sleep, eat, poop and more :)) but I am gonna live with this spacious housing that I’ve been given to and explore every little section of it. I am gonna tune into feeling more, being present with the movements, flow with the music and the energy and just breath in between dances.

Whatever it is, it was a life changing discovery to finally discover that my body parts are good for many other purposes and movement can bring so much joy to me. Either in dancing or work out mode, my brain was quite for a minute, and my body was active and in the NOW. And that is heaven. That is pure bliss. And I want more of that…. a whole lot more.

zouk-dance-2

I quit chasing the next moment…

pole-dancing

As I watched back my pole dancing videos (Yes, I do pole dance, and NO, I’m not a stripper…mind-blowing, isn’t it?) I was not happy with what I saw. Others seemed to like it, but I was bothered by something that I couldn’t really pinpoint. Something just didn’t feel right. Seemed rushed, pretentious, timid… something was off. So I sat with this feeling and instead of being ashamed, and run away from it, I was in this uncomfortable mess, trying to analyze where the feeling was coming from. What was the source of the “off-ness” of the dance?

And then I found it. I located it. It was the “not validating this moment, not lingering in it, not living it and being in it, but already thinking about the next move, and feeling like I am already behind”. Like “I’ve done this, there you go, now I gotta go, otherwise I’ll miss that invisible train.”.  While I am at the post where I have to be in that moment in time, I feel like I am already behind, because I’m not at that imaginary next step already. But that made the whole performance unenjoyable -at least for me – was that anytime I enjoyed watching someone  dance on the pole was exactly because they weren’t scared to linger in the moment, to hold the pose for 2-3 spins straight, instead of rushing into the next move too quickly. They take their time to get into a pose, and then stay in them while breathing into them for many spins and they are not afraid to be vulnerable in it, to get lost in it and show that they actually enjoy it. They are just there and we get enough time to take it all in. Because without a witness, what is the art worth?

pole-dance-photo

So that’s how I learnt that this is exactly what I do in EVERY other single area in my own life. I rush through every phase in my life as if it wasn’t important enough because I already know it, I am already in it, and that’s not where I need to be but at the next step, next phase, next anything that brings me closer to happiness. Because happiness as we all know it, is only the “next pose, next step, next job, next house, car or boyfriend away only”. 🙂 Right there, just an arm reach away, never where we are right now at the moment! 🙂 (if you haven’t caught up yet, I am being sarcastic)

But (I don’t know how to not start my sentences without a BUT or an AND…and none of them are appropriate sentence starters.) in order to create a masterpiece, and enjoyable art out of my life, I need to linger longer in each pose, in each step and each phase, without rushing into the next chapter, thinking I am already late from the movie of my life. I already missed my chance. There is time. Mostly because time is an illusion. There is nothing ever real but the NOW, the present. And the more “time” I put into it, the better the piece will look. Some poses require more time to sink in, to give the chance for the audience to take it all in and admire it, and some poses are quicker, more surprising. But (here again!…”BUT”) i I rush through it all, and there are no dramatic pauses, longer lingers, breathing into shapes and forms, therefore the harmony, the rhythm and the beauty of it is all lost in a hectic, chaotic hot mess and this is not what I am aiming for.

Take your time in each day of your life,  each step on that ladder and each phase of your life. The more painful the pose is, the prettier it looks, and the more you have to be in the moment to really do it well. Just like life. When it really hurts, that’s the time to really zone in, get centered and breath into it, relax into it and not rush getting out of it quickly.

Now go and make that masterpiece, God and Goddess! 😉ad_121400460