I quit caring about everyone’s business but mine…

I am a friend. And empath. A helper. A listener and a counselor. A person who is always there for others, no matter how busy my life is or how drained I am at times. And I am good at it. (Not my words, but others’)

But enough is enough.

I like the minimalist approach when it comes to stuff and clutter in the house, and just recently I applied that method to the rest of my life as well. I decided to get rid of people in my life, all the friends I have, all the acquaintances, lovers, fuck buddies,  etc.
(I couldn’t get rid of my children or my mother, but trust me, I would have 🙂 )

I also deleted my apps that were distracting me and sucking my time away from me. Anything that makes me get in contact with humans, I closed down. I pushed myself to the desert, the edge of total bareness and emptiness.

“Why would you make such a drastic move?” you might ask.

Well, it got to a point where I realized that although I am there for everyone at any time of the day, and it helps them most of the time, in reality it drains me like nothing else. I take on their problems, I carry them, I try to solve them for them, and it effects me for the worse. But this weird urge comes from within me that I need to share, I need to educate, I need to tell people things, I need to help. But in reality, is that true?! Do I really NEED TO do all these things? So now I decided to give myself a break from all these “needs” and see if the world would collapse without my cooperation and without me holding up the pillars of it. (I have a strong hunch that it will go on just fine, but my ego is struggling to accept this concept 🙂 )

It all started with me wanting to go on a trip with my friends. My friends with whom we talked about it already and seemed excited about it as well. But when the actual planning part took place, they backed out, and not in a straight forward way- which I would have appreciated, -but a rather cowardly, beating around the bush kinda way. It did make me upset, and that’s what triggered my decision to take a break from the illusion of friendships that I thought I had, because the painful reality is that whenever they need me in a way they do, I am there for them, but when I -once in a blue moon – ask them to do the same for me, they don’t seem to understand the importance of it.  Ultimately we are always alone in this world, and I have known it deep down since I was little, but I liked the illusion that fooled me otherwise.
Yes, something in me was triggered, hence the decision of taking a break from my “friends” for a few months, but also it made me very happy as well, because it forced me to want to travel alone for a change, and do the things I “needed” them to do all alone. Because the only person who can make me happy is me alone, no one else. I can’t sit around waiting for everyone else to accommodate my wants and needs as I please, and I also am not obligated to do that for them either. I can do it and I certainly can please them as well, but that should be my decision, my choice and wanting nothing else in return. So this whatever happened made me stop a bit, analyze why I was doing things in the first place and I realized  that while I’ve been doing all that service to others, I have not been taking care of the only business I was responsible for: MY OWN BUSINESS.

Here I am going around mingling in everyone’s life, meanwhile abandoning my own. My life is empty, chaotic, frantic and emptied out, all because the owner of that business is gone, being busy with everyone else’s problems but hers.

I can’t blame my friends for it, they had nothing to do with it. It was all my choice and my own fault. This situation- no matter how painful it was at the moment-  just pushed me back towards myself again, woke me up from my delusional ways of leading my life and for that I can forever be thankful to my friends. Because even the “bad things” are good for something and this emptying out of my life, sitting down with myself and all that time on my hands now makes me take a closer look at my real self, my real wants and needs, helps me get rid of the old bad habits and forming some new, healthier habits instead. It also makes me panicky sometimes because when you are not doing the same old distracting things, what are you really gonna do with all that time on your hands? Also when I have a thought and I am wondering what they are doing or how their lives are, it forces me to let that thought just happen in my mind and not actually act upon it. It forces me to actually not try to help others with advice when I do meet up with humans, just let them talk freely and listen to them and tell myself on the inside that “indeed, it is not my problem, not my business” and let it all go, without the inner urgent need to interact, to enforce my own philosophy, my own vision and my own mind onto it. Just letting things be as they are, people be who they are and be at peace with it, without trying to change one single thing about it.

It is eye opening to say the least. It is getting me out of my comfort zone and is shifting my perception, but I am loving this ride. It is making me reevaluate myself, my old wiring, why I do things and do I really need to be like that? I feel like deep within it is creating a whole new “me”.
You know when you want to clean your fridge, first you have to take everything out of it in order to get to it. I feel like I am the fridge that’s been overused and neglected, in need of some TLC. People are the fillers in it.
Once I have emptied my life from distractions and clutter, I will see what it all looks like, what needs to be repaired, what needs to be fixed, or cleaned….and THEN…. whatever is still good and useful will go back to the fridge, and whatever has expired, gone bad is going out of my life. Same with people, relationship, habits.

Cheers to new endings and even newer beginnings!

cheers

 

I quit feeling guilty

Feeling guilty is an absolutely useless and unproductive emotion. It does nothing to change the past, totally ruins your present and will most likely not help you act differently in the future either. No matter how much we hope that the longer we torture ourselves with this feeling, the better we will be in the future. That’s bullshit!

I had a long talk with my friend today about how I acted with my kids recently, how irritated I got early in the morning when I was not fully awake, yet they were already  sucking my blood and energy with full force. I told her I was not proud of how I behaved, but also, I was not giving into this guilty feeling that was slowing creeping up on me whenever I was think about the past. Because I am a human being with my own limitations, my own weaknesses, and no matter how much I’m trying to be holy and immaculate and this mature adult persona, I still have my Achilles heel, and that’s too much noise too early in the morning. So I have two roads in front of me:

1) I can either sit here, feel like a shitty miserable human being and beat myself up over what I did, but that’s not gonna change anything in the past at all. I won’t be able to go back and redo it. And even if I would be able to go back, feeling how I felt at the moment, thinking the thoughts I had at the time, I realize I had absolutely no choice BUT to act the way I did. I was believing my thoughts. I believed that humans shouldn’t be able to utter a word before 9 am and I believed I was tired, sick and exhausted. I believed I was irritated. So based on what I believed, the only way I could respond is barking at my kids to leave me alone until I prepare breakfast. That’s it. I can drive myself crazy with the “shoulda, woulda, coulda”s of life, but what good would that do, and how would that change anything???? It would just make me feel even more shitty about myself…and we all know how good, mature and responsible those humans act who feel horrible about themselves.

*OR*

2) I can just accept that the past has happened the way it happened, and I have no control over it anymore. I can make amends, apologize to my kids, tell them that I prefer silence in the mornings and we can work out a plan how to coexist in the mornings so everyone is happy in the future. And I did it all. Plus on top of it all, I threw a HUGE amount of self love and forgiveness into the mix.

But how could you? You don’t deserve it?! You should feel ashamed longer. You messed up! What’s to love about that? About you? How can you possibly love a person who yells and isnangry in the mornings? How can you possibly love that part of you?”

Well, guess what?! That’s part of me, too. Just like the nice, the funny, the happy, the flexible, the creative me, so is the annoyed, cranky, irritated, loud, angry parts. They all create the whole and I LOVE every little bit of it. Especially the ones that don’t deserve love. Because those parts NEED it the most. And I accept them. I won’t fight against them. Because the more I fight and deny them, the stronger they get, and the more frequently they come back. So I accept them as they are, part of me, part of you and part of everyone. And I love that I get to experience how it feels to be angry, annoyed, cranky and irritated. That’s part of the human existence package I signed up for. No one said we should always be holy, quiet and balanced. So why should I put this unrealistic expectation on me?

I am human, and I love that. I have all kinds of emotions and I love that. I lose my temper and I love that (because that way I can relate to people who do as well). I realize when I fuck something up, and I love that (how mature I become). I apologize when I am aware of my fuckups, and I love that.(props to me) I love the whole process, because why not? Going against it and arguing with it will make me lose that battle (but only a 100% of the time, as Byron Katie so wisely said).

So that’s how I broke up my on again/off again relationship with my boyfriend, Guilt. It was an unproductive, not efficient, toxic relationship, and I am better off without him!

So long Jimmy… I mean, Guilt!