I am not saying I have mastered it….matter of fact, I am far from it. But I have had an experience last night that made me see the difference between struggling with trying to control the uncontrollable vs bliss & flow without it. In another person. Because my actions are too close to home, I guess. I notice things much better from a distance. 🙂
So anyway, here is what happened. A couple months ago, while talking to one of my friends, it came to my attention that there was out there man who has never had sex before. This made me VERY curious. The “therapist” in me woke up immediately and wanted to come to the rescue. Half curiosity, and half of it was genuine desire to help someone discover this playground we call sex. I even told my friend ” well, send him my way and I will show him a thing or two.” But none of us really believed it would happen until I actually put some thought into it and after much consideration, I was like ” well, I’ve done worse things before in the name of sex, so I don’t see why helping someone make the first step on this road would be so bad indeed.”
So I made my offer, my friend was surprised but happy, she conveyed the message and he – to our biggest surprise – agreed to it. He was ready for a major change finally.
So the night has come, he came over and was very nervous. I brought out the big guns, beer, jokes, talking..but we had to use pot because none of it seem to really calm down those nerves. After we both got appropriately high, I made my move on him. ( Let me tell you, I discovered a new side to me too. I used to think I liked dominant guys, but now that the table has turned, I actually really enjoyed being in the driver’s seat as well).
We started with kissing, and despite that it seemed to him that he was only imitating a fish on a shore, he actually did pretty good. I am a kissing queen, (not just quitting) and I know a good kiss when I feel one, that’s for sure. SO I thought, damn, we are off to a good start. But obviously he was nervous as hell. And I noticed moments when he could let go and enjoy the moment and get lost in it, but more often than not his little ego popped back up online and tried to take over everything. Tried to control things, but it realized that “oh, shit, wait a minute, I don’t know what I’m doing”. And that’s when he stalled and got nervous and the whole thing paused. The flow was over.
That was such a huge contrast to see in action. I could witness live how different the flow of life is when WE (our little egos) want to control everything, yet it has no idea what to do, and how to do it VS. when we just lay down on the wave of life with our backs to it, breath and relax and just ride those waves as they come, instead of trying to control the whole ocean ourselves.
When he was out of his mind, and into his body, he did amazing. Things were flowing between us, we were feeding off of each other’s energies, he let go and let loose and you wouldn’t have been able to tell that this was his first time! But that part didn’t last long, because the ego is so super strong in our system, and I could see it come back online randomly, trying to take over the situation, wanting to be in control, yet realizing that it doesn’t know what it’s doing, where things are going and started panicking.
And that made me think of how similar this event and life really was. How often we get into our own ways, how often we want to control the uncontrollable, how often we think we should know what we don’t and do what we can’t, and therefore we put a lot of pressure, expectations and stress on ourselves. That tiny fragment of this fictional being we call EGO (which doesn’t even exist if you really think about it) thinks it is in charge, it knows the big picture and it knows right from wrong. Yet, it is so wrong. Only thing it’s doing is living in constant fear, stress and being everywhere in the past or future, but never in the now. ….
Then there is the NOW….. LIFE….the PRESENT! The only thing that ever exists. The only real “thing” indeed. No one knows where it’s going, where it’s coming from, but it is here, and it is taking us on the best journey of our lives…if we let it. If we give up control, realize that we don’t know anything, and trust that whatever this life is, this moment is, “it” is knowing a whole lot more than our tiny little Egos could ever comprehend, and just relax into the present moment and go with the flow, wherever it takes us. Whatever feels right in the moment, follow it without overthinking it. Because as soon as the EGO/our little self/ us comes back into the picture, the flow of the magic stops, gets interrupted and instead of us being in our bodies, we jump back into our heads, and that’s what’s causing all the stress, anxiety and conflict. We get out of the present moment, the here and now that feels great and where “we” know what to do (not really, but it is being done to us anyway…life is living through us), and we start watching the movie of the past memories and the future fears…and BOOM there goes the magic, the moment, the flow.
So there it was….the pure freedom and utter panic right in front of me played out within an hours, alternating. All depending on him trying to control the situation OR simply letting go and relaxing into the now. So simple, yet we make it so complicated.
After a long night of therapy, counseling and sex, I can happily announce that our virgin man is no longer virgin, and he did very well indeed, not only giving himself and orgasm, but to me as well. I am proud of my student, and my teacher, who shows me the difference between trusting life, relaxing into it vs overthinking it and trying to control every aspect of it with out little egos.