I quit trying to figure it all out…

No, I have not quit my blog (yet), but it’s only a matter of time, knowing my personality… or my accumulated collection of patterns in this earthly flesh, as they would call a personality.

I don’t know, man….

The modern, western human is so depressed and depressing in these modern days. We spend our whole days in cement buildings, sitting in front of little black boxes, isolated, boxed up with our wild, random thoughts that attack us from nowhere, and we believe them without even questioning them for a second, then drive ourselves crazy with them. We barely ever move, or see the sunlight, interact with real flash and bone humans, mother nature, share emotions with each other. We just look at our mini computer in our hands 24/7, feeling “connected” but in reality we are only connected to a fake, manipulated, photo shopped virtual reality. We are constantly told to work hard, grind harder, hussle til we die, never give up, follow our passion, life our lives to the fullest, gain more and buy even more, get your dream job and after that dare to dream even bigger, always chase your own tail and never catch it.

And maybe it is necessary, in order to get us going, to make us “feel” useful, to make us spend prison time without contemplating the pointlessness of this life we have found ourselves in the middle of and can’t seem to be able to make any sense of it whatsoever. Because what is the point in reality???

We are born without being asked if we even wanted to. Then we just float around in this weird “oneness” where nothing is separated and we cry and laugh whenever the game-makers decide to. Then slowly we learn to attach symbols to different objects and we are hypnotized into this so called shared reality….or at least we think it is shared, but who knows, really?! Is there a way to prove it? Our perception of anything is very customized, very personal, depending on our filters, memories and understanding. How will I ever know what the other person is thinking on the inside? I can never be sure of anything. If they tell me the truth or is it a lie? Is anything really true after all? The longer you think about something, evidently it will turn into a lie. And if nothing is true, do I really wanna live in a world full of lies? Or having a big fat nothing underneath it all, would that be even better? Isn’t that even more depressing? Is it true that love is what all there is? Or is that another soothing, calming lie again to keep the masses sedated? Or is this just fear talking again?

I swear my mind drives me crazy! And who is that “Me” who is going crazy underneath it all? Really…..

So I stopped. I don’t want to figure out anything anymore. If I am just an avatar in the game, what can I do about it anyway? If I want to escape, how will I know that “out there” will be that much better? Or is it fear speaking again? Is really everything I ever wanted is on the other side of fear or is that just another Insta worthy quote for the masses again?

Ah, I don’t know, I don’t care.

I am not trying to figure it all out. What life is about…what my life is about?  What am  I supposed to do with my life? Is there free will or are we just puppets in this show called life? I don’t care if I have a purpose or not. What will that change anyway?

I’ll still ” chop wood, carry water” either way. What will knowing change in reality? Nothing.

I…or my Ego…just likes chewing on these thought bones endlessly and keeping itself occupied, because that’s it’s job. To spin, to chew, to think, to go crazy.

But maybe, just maybe, underneath it all, there is a quiet, calm, content and happy ME… maybe.

 

universe

I quit caring about everyone’s business but mine…

I am a friend. And empath. A helper. A listener and a counselor. A person who is always there for others, no matter how busy my life is or how drained I am at times. And I am good at it. (Not my words, but others’)

But enough is enough.

I like the minimalist approach when it comes to stuff and clutter in the house, and just recently I applied that method to the rest of my life as well. I decided to get rid of people in my life, all the friends I have, all the acquaintances, lovers, fuck buddies,  etc.
(I couldn’t get rid of my children or my mother, but trust me, I would have 🙂 )

I also deleted my apps that were distracting me and sucking my time away from me. Anything that makes me get in contact with humans, I closed down. I pushed myself to the desert, the edge of total bareness and emptiness.

“Why would you make such a drastic move?” you might ask.

Well, it got to a point where I realized that although I am there for everyone at any time of the day, and it helps them most of the time, in reality it drains me like nothing else. I take on their problems, I carry them, I try to solve them for them, and it effects me for the worse. But this weird urge comes from within me that I need to share, I need to educate, I need to tell people things, I need to help. But in reality, is that true?! Do I really NEED TO do all these things? So now I decided to give myself a break from all these “needs” and see if the world would collapse without my cooperation and without me holding up the pillars of it. (I have a strong hunch that it will go on just fine, but my ego is struggling to accept this concept 🙂 )

It all started with me wanting to go on a trip with my friends. My friends with whom we talked about it already and seemed excited about it as well. But when the actual planning part took place, they backed out, and not in a straight forward way- which I would have appreciated, -but a rather cowardly, beating around the bush kinda way. It did make me upset, and that’s what triggered my decision to take a break from the illusion of friendships that I thought I had, because the painful reality is that whenever they need me in a way they do, I am there for them, but when I -once in a blue moon – ask them to do the same for me, they don’t seem to understand the importance of it.  Ultimately we are always alone in this world, and I have known it deep down since I was little, but I liked the illusion that fooled me otherwise.
Yes, something in me was triggered, hence the decision of taking a break from my “friends” for a few months, but also it made me very happy as well, because it forced me to want to travel alone for a change, and do the things I “needed” them to do all alone. Because the only person who can make me happy is me alone, no one else. I can’t sit around waiting for everyone else to accommodate my wants and needs as I please, and I also am not obligated to do that for them either. I can do it and I certainly can please them as well, but that should be my decision, my choice and wanting nothing else in return. So this whatever happened made me stop a bit, analyze why I was doing things in the first place and I realized  that while I’ve been doing all that service to others, I have not been taking care of the only business I was responsible for: MY OWN BUSINESS.

Here I am going around mingling in everyone’s life, meanwhile abandoning my own. My life is empty, chaotic, frantic and emptied out, all because the owner of that business is gone, being busy with everyone else’s problems but hers.

I can’t blame my friends for it, they had nothing to do with it. It was all my choice and my own fault. This situation- no matter how painful it was at the moment-  just pushed me back towards myself again, woke me up from my delusional ways of leading my life and for that I can forever be thankful to my friends. Because even the “bad things” are good for something and this emptying out of my life, sitting down with myself and all that time on my hands now makes me take a closer look at my real self, my real wants and needs, helps me get rid of the old bad habits and forming some new, healthier habits instead. It also makes me panicky sometimes because when you are not doing the same old distracting things, what are you really gonna do with all that time on your hands? Also when I have a thought and I am wondering what they are doing or how their lives are, it forces me to let that thought just happen in my mind and not actually act upon it. It forces me to actually not try to help others with advice when I do meet up with humans, just let them talk freely and listen to them and tell myself on the inside that “indeed, it is not my problem, not my business” and let it all go, without the inner urgent need to interact, to enforce my own philosophy, my own vision and my own mind onto it. Just letting things be as they are, people be who they are and be at peace with it, without trying to change one single thing about it.

It is eye opening to say the least. It is getting me out of my comfort zone and is shifting my perception, but I am loving this ride. It is making me reevaluate myself, my old wiring, why I do things and do I really need to be like that? I feel like deep within it is creating a whole new “me”.
You know when you want to clean your fridge, first you have to take everything out of it in order to get to it. I feel like I am the fridge that’s been overused and neglected, in need of some TLC. People are the fillers in it.
Once I have emptied my life from distractions and clutter, I will see what it all looks like, what needs to be repaired, what needs to be fixed, or cleaned….and THEN…. whatever is still good and useful will go back to the fridge, and whatever has expired, gone bad is going out of my life. Same with people, relationship, habits.

Cheers to new endings and even newer beginnings!

cheers

 

I quit chasing the next moment…

pole-dancing

As I watched back my pole dancing videos (Yes, I do pole dance, and NO, I’m not a stripper…mind-blowing, isn’t it?) I was not happy with what I saw. Others seemed to like it, but I was bothered by something that I couldn’t really pinpoint. Something just didn’t feel right. Seemed rushed, pretentious, timid… something was off. So I sat with this feeling and instead of being ashamed, and run away from it, I was in this uncomfortable mess, trying to analyze where the feeling was coming from. What was the source of the “off-ness” of the dance?

And then I found it. I located it. It was the “not validating this moment, not lingering in it, not living it and being in it, but already thinking about the next move, and feeling like I am already behind”. Like “I’ve done this, there you go, now I gotta go, otherwise I’ll miss that invisible train.”.  While I am at the post where I have to be in that moment in time, I feel like I am already behind, because I’m not at that imaginary next step already. But that made the whole performance unenjoyable -at least for me – was that anytime I enjoyed watching someone  dance on the pole was exactly because they weren’t scared to linger in the moment, to hold the pose for 2-3 spins straight, instead of rushing into the next move too quickly. They take their time to get into a pose, and then stay in them while breathing into them for many spins and they are not afraid to be vulnerable in it, to get lost in it and show that they actually enjoy it. They are just there and we get enough time to take it all in. Because without a witness, what is the art worth?

pole-dance-photo

So that’s how I learnt that this is exactly what I do in EVERY other single area in my own life. I rush through every phase in my life as if it wasn’t important enough because I already know it, I am already in it, and that’s not where I need to be but at the next step, next phase, next anything that brings me closer to happiness. Because happiness as we all know it, is only the “next pose, next step, next job, next house, car or boyfriend away only”. 🙂 Right there, just an arm reach away, never where we are right now at the moment! 🙂 (if you haven’t caught up yet, I am being sarcastic)

But (I don’t know how to not start my sentences without a BUT or an AND…and none of them are appropriate sentence starters.) in order to create a masterpiece, and enjoyable art out of my life, I need to linger longer in each pose, in each step and each phase, without rushing into the next chapter, thinking I am already late from the movie of my life. I already missed my chance. There is time. Mostly because time is an illusion. There is nothing ever real but the NOW, the present. And the more “time” I put into it, the better the piece will look. Some poses require more time to sink in, to give the chance for the audience to take it all in and admire it, and some poses are quicker, more surprising. But (here again!…”BUT”) i I rush through it all, and there are no dramatic pauses, longer lingers, breathing into shapes and forms, therefore the harmony, the rhythm and the beauty of it is all lost in a hectic, chaotic hot mess and this is not what I am aiming for.

Take your time in each day of your life,  each step on that ladder and each phase of your life. The more painful the pose is, the prettier it looks, and the more you have to be in the moment to really do it well. Just like life. When it really hurts, that’s the time to really zone in, get centered and breath into it, relax into it and not rush getting out of it quickly.

Now go and make that masterpiece, God and Goddess! 😉ad_121400460

Quitting to-do list

I love quitting, and since I’ve practiced it so much, I can rightfully say that I am a master at it by now. Yet, I still have so many things I would like to know how to quit.

These are the things I wish I could quit:

  • thinking it’s my fault and I did something wrong when someone doesn’t call me back for a second or third date.
  • creating horror stories in my mind when something doesn’t go the way I expected
  • eating meat (but that thing just taste too good, and I am too lazy to come up with new recipes)
  • not to see the negatives in people so early on in the game
  • seeking love, approval and understanding from other people, and give it to myself fully.
  • thinking that happiness is out there, a career, a thick bank account, a devoted lover or a long travel away. It isn’t.
  • obsessing about “knowing” and could just appreciate and focus on “being” instead.
  • Chocolate Hazelnut Milkshake from BurgerVille (but that shit is too addictive, and I’ll just have to endure the torture until it is finally off- season).
  • thinking that I am not a good enough mom, just because I don’t live up to the false, unrealistic image I’ve created in my head about good moms. Or thinking life would be better if I didn’t have kids. (because that’s not true…but I sure can convince myself often about it)
  • holding on so tight and just let everything go… let myself go…. let everything flow.
  • thinking….obsessing about certain thoughts.
  • Tinder ( it always comes back to my life, promising me the world, and leaving me empty and nauseated)
  • being so hard on myself sometimes
  • being afraid to speak up, ask for what’s mine.
  • doubting myself and my talents, skills.
  • staying up late at nights and waking up tired the next day. (that’s why I’m stopping now and going to bed!)

 

The list is not finished, but I quit in the middle …

Although I have my work cut out for me, and one will be harder than the other to accomplish, I am still hopeful that my quitting skills will get better and better with time, and I will be able to check off all of these bulletpoints on the list.

(Not sure about the milkshake though…. that probably has crack cocaine in it, and I am hopelessly weak against that.)

milkshake