I quit playing it safe

I have a confession. I have a tendency to always choose the safe option. When I was 14 years old and had to choose a high school to apply for (back at home you had to take a test to get into the better schools, you couldn’t just go based on your grades) I REALLY wanted to go to the one that was teaching every subject in English and it was a hard one, but it really excited me. Then the fear of failing to be accepted, and the humiliation that would follow it (only to be humiliated in front of myself, because truly, no one gave a damn if I got in or not) I chose to go to a very lame high school, where I knew for sure that I would get in without even lifting a finger. Yes, I was bored out of my mind there for 4 years, and I didn’t learn much at all (because it was a weak school) but it was safe, and I got in and it helped me avoid the fear of humiliation and that’s all I care about. Then came the men in my life. Yes, I have been into good looking and popular guys at the very beginning, when my hormones started to hijack my mind, but I quickly learnt the lesson that these guys are unreliable players and won’t stay faithful to me (or anyone else) plus I didn’t  really stand a chance to even score one, to begin with ..but in case I still did, it wouldn’t last long anyway. So in order to protect myself from humiliation again, I learnt to be attracted to the less fortunate looking, loyal guys with a good job. They were the safe options. And I always played it safe. I guess there could be many reasons to this false belief, misconception I bought into, but I never really spent enough time, energy, thought (or psychedelics) to contemplate this question yet.

So recently a guy came into my life. Boy, was I NOT sold from the very beginning. I felt zero chemistry with him, I was not really entertained by our conversations either, I felt like we were speaking in completely different time zones, our humor never matched (the worst :)) and sex was at best a mediocre one. But what worked for him is that he seemed to be into me, was starting to take this whole dating thing seriously with me, and seemed to be a loyal one with a good job and a good body. Oh, and one other thing worked for him: he was a cozy cuddler. He felt like a comfy sofa to me. And that’s when it hit me: “holy shithole, I am dating my ex husband all over again, but this time in a black packaging.”

I noticed that every cell in my body was screaming “GET OUT QUICK” yet my logical, reasonable mind was saying: “Just give him another chance, you might be wrong, your intuition could be off, maybe you won’t find anyone better and he is SAFE for you.”

There you go again, the biggest temptation of my life: SAFETY. ME, who thought was brave, spontaneous, adventurous and exciting, I gravitated towards safety when it came to relationships. But somehow I managed to get the courage and tell him that I”m gonna go on other dates, we are not dating yet and the 3 most important things that matter in my life are not present in our relationship, so let’s not wait around for each other. This conversation landed somehow completely different on his ears, because as it turns out, he went home thinking we just learnt a bit more about each other, and now we will put more effort into making it work. (GO FIGURE…again, our conversations never really happened in the same universe, as you can tell.)
The next day I scheduled 2 dates for myself. I didn’t really care at all about either one of them, didn’t even know their names, and I didn’t even shower….yes, that’s how much I didn’t give a rats ass about it all. But I didn’t want to be with the wrong guy anymore, so I did what I knew best: going on first dates (gosh, I could write a book about my 50 first dates 🙂 ).
I planned on eating lunch with this boy, then paying for it myself and going home to get ready for the next one. But somehow life had a different plan all along. He showed up, he was cute…handsome and gorgeous….but young, damn it, 5 yrs younger than me. I never dated younger ones because they just never seemed mature enough for me. But this boy was so wise. So smart, and so kind. Polite, funny, considerate, non-judgmental, level -headed and have I mentioned yet???: beautiful!!!! I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And the more we talked, the more we realized that we were exactly the same in EVERY. SINGLE. WAY…but in opposite gendered bodies. We were so similar that it is not even funny. At this point I still didn’t think much of him and wasn’t gonna move this date any forward, because I quit having sex on first days a while ago and I didn’t really want to be intimate with him (I mentioned that I didn’t shower, right?! :))) But after lunch we went for coffee, and talked and talked and talked some more, then we went to the movies (we kissed throughout the whole movie like dumb teenagers) and before I knew it, I spent the whole day with him. Then I had to go on a meeting and also on my second date, but since that turned out so boring, I got up early and I said goodnight, called my little boytoy, picked him up and brought him home, finally showered (!!!) and had mindblowing sex with him all night (and morning).

When I told my friend (who happened to be one of the best psychotherapist ever) the whole story, and how much this boytoy is out of my comfort zone of what I am used to and feel safe in, she encouraged me to continue this relationship.
Why is he so out of your comfort zone when he sounds so dreamy?” you might ask.
Well, sweetheart, because of 3 reasons. 1) He is Indian (dot, not feather…and if you know me, I am not racist, but I have NEVER been attracted to Indians. So much so, that I have never ever found one that was somewhat good looking and sexy for me even after 5 shots of fireballs and 5 glasses of tequila.) And I was dumping a black guy for an Indian (again, if you know me, I think black men are just gods walking in a human form on this Earth)..and yes, he has an accent…but not as bad as most of them though. I can understand him for the most part. Oh, man, it came out so stereotypical and judgmental, but these are my honest feelings, I can’t sugarcoat it.
2) he is younger than me, which is my own NO NO (for me, not for others) and have I mentioned how beautiful he was?! Gorgeous! Handsome! Can’t take my eyes off of him pretty.  And that equally unstable grounds, run as far as you can back into the arms of a safe and boring man.
3) he is just like me, which in many ways amazing and I love  him for it. BUT!!!! He has commitment issues just like me, and not a relationship type, loyal, monogamous person AKA totally unsafe choice. Just like I am for any other man.
But I have never felt so amazing during sex with almost anyone else before. There was another (also unsafe guy in my life, who rocked my world in bed and I thought no one could ever come close to him….well, this kid did it! He is right there on that level and it is amazing!!! He is so loving in bed, so thoughtful, so gentle and so rough, he is everything I need and more)…but he is not guaranteed for the long run! He is here for a good time, not for a long time.

But when you really think about it, who and what is ever guaranteed in this life? Just because someone utters all these fancy vows at the wedding, does it mean it guarantees their forever love and comfort until you both die together in each others arms!? If that was the case, 50% of  marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce. And just because someone says they are not a committing type and they don’t wanna fall in love and be with one person only, it doesn’t mean it will never happen either. (Maybe not with me, but it can still happen…life goes its own way, it doesn’t ask our opinion about it anyway). So whatever we say or think or do is not permanent, and making decisions in the moment based on safety will only prevent ourselves from all the great love, fun and blessings that are behind the walls of fear.

So I promised my friend that from now on, I will always choose the direction that scares me the most. No matter what it is, whenever I come to a fork in the road, and I need to make a decision, I will not go towards safety anymore, but I will embrace my fears and face them head on. Let’s see what’s on the other side. Let’s see what’s the big deal about them all. Let’s meet the old man behind the curtain and tell him he has no power over me anymore. I am ready. I am done sitting on the side benches, watching the game but never participating in it because of fear of humiliation, failure, pain. You know what?! It is part of life, just like happiness, fun, excitement and pleasure. Bring them all on! I am ready to face fear…even if I end up with bruises all over my body and heart, humiliated, laughed at and shitting my pants while I do it…I’m ready. I am tired of never trying and failing a 100% than giving things a chance and maybe,just maybe giving them a chance to surprise me at the end.

I quit social media

Ok, this sounded a tad more dramatic than it  really is in real life (just like everything else in social media 🙂 ) but it is true …. well, partially. (just to stay true to the social media theme over here 🙂 )

It’s a known fact that we spend hours and hours of our days on our “smart” phones while they are “dumbing” us down. (this might just be part of the a secret plan of the AI’s before they come to full consciousness and can rule over us 🙂 ) Anyways, focus, my Queen, focus!

phone3

So I noticed how much time I spent on my phone from the first moment I open my eyes….actually, I don’t even open my eyes yet, and my phone is in my hands, HELPING me be able to open my eyes and catch up with what I’ve missed during those lost hours of Zzzzz’s. How did the world go on without my surveillance over it on social media? So I used my phone instead of coffee to wake up as I mindlessly scroll on Instagram and Facebook (I am too old for Twitter and Snap and all that bullshit). While I admire the beautiful kids and sassy comments of Chrissy Teigen, root for Kendra Wilkinson to feel like her sexy self again, catch up with the Daily show’s tidbits here and there and drool over all the seemingly perfect relationships that my friends have and brag about in my news feed… I notice that in a mere 5 minutes of mindless scrolling, I went through a roller coast of emotions. And it is not even 8 o’clock yet. I got upset over the state of the world, then hopeless about it, then I saw a cute animal video and my heart got warm and fuzzy again,but that warmness quickly turned into jealousy, because why can’t my life be so picture perfect as the other “fake advertisements” coming from all my “friends” on Instagram. Basically I’ve felt at least 10 emotional ups and downs in a matter of 10 minutes before I even got out of my bed, and I’m already exhausted. How will I take on a whole day with this mindset.

And if this wasn’t enough, I’m dumb enough to not learn from my mistakes, just keep going back doing the same exact dumb sh*t throughout the whole day. But the more I “connect” to the outside world, the lonelier and more isolated I feel on the inside. I compare my life to all these perfect portraits, and I feel like I am lacking. In reality, I am not lacking anything, and I live in abundance (relatively speaking) but as soon as I take away my attention from what I got, and compare my life with others, I always fall short. Yes, there are some useful, innocent, cute, funny things on these apps as well, and that’s how they got you hooked… because if it was full of shit, no one would stay. But since you find some tasty blueberries and chocolate pieces in the middle of a shit show, you stay for those bits and pieces. Then there is the other pandora’s box: the online dating apps (Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, etc).They all make you think that the whole world is at your feet…or at your thumbs, and you can window shop anyone you’d like to have. It is like Amazon for human relationships. Only later on you realize that you’ve spent the majority of your day either swiping for the next instant match to get the next dose of quick dopamine fix for your brain, or wasting hours on endless, shallow small talks, arguing with strangers over basic etiquette and common sense, or watching the convo die shortly after the first “hi, hello” exchange. I guess it is not a surprise for anyone if I say that this kind of interaction gets very old very fast. And then again, you are there alone, exactly where you started, but a bit more burnt out and hating your life just with a bit more enthusiasm while you are glued to your phone 24/7.

phone

So, long story short(er), this morning I started thinking what people were doing in the Stone Age…you know, BEFORE smart phones were invented!?!?! I remember I was alive, and existed just fine without it (because I didn’t know what I was missing, you’d say oh-so-wisely :))) but just like I have no idea what on earth did I spend all that free time BEFORE I had kids, I don’t remember how life was without these time consuming parasite devices either. So I decided to give myself a break from it, and discover life beyond the apps and wonders (of social media).

I deactivated my Facebook ( it’s kinda like holding up a middle finger to it… and exactly as effective and dramatic, because absolutely no one gives a shit about me being on it or not 🙂  I was too much of a chicken to permanently delete my whole account, but I was pleasantly surprised that at least it is an option now, because Facebookoperate on the same principle as Hotel California… “you can check out, but you can never leave”. I enjoyed having the option, but I didn’t pull the trigger just yet.  Instead uninstalled Instagram, too. Ouch,  that hurt! That place is like a playground for my brain. I like creating insta stories, feeling insta creative on it, posting pictures with inspirational quotes and feel so spiritual, holier than thou, so unique  (along with all the other 5 million similar style accounts) and all my pole dancing tutorials were saved on that app as well. So that was a deep cut for my pretentious creative veins, but oh well, they say the survival rate is fairly high after such moves like this, so I am not too worried. Then I pulled the plug on all my dating apps….goodbye half naked bathroom selfies, fish pictures, oversized beards and half-assed “hello”s. How will I live without y’all, I’m not sure yet, but hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won’t be too intolerable.

phone 5

So there you have it… My phone is clean from all the time- consuming, mind-numbing apps I cherished for so long and now I don’t know what to do with my phone anymore…. paper wight? Flashlight? Alarm only? Do people still use that green thing…the call button? I guess I could text people, but since I can’t fish for new victims from Bumble anymore, and I don’t really have friends either, my phone is mostly silent with an occasional unsolicited sales or tax call. Now I am back to the dark ages, where life is silent, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore and I get to experience for the first time how it feels to be bored…or just BE! Just be with me….present in my life…then my kids (yes, they are still around, as I’ve noticed after I got my head buried out of my phone)…just to be with them and pay attention to them without being glued to my phone constantly. I get to be bored…..even if it is only for a minute, but now I know how boredom feels. Oh, the luxury of being bored. And I get to read more books….watch a movie….be in nature…brag about being better that you on an old school blog ….you know…back to reality.

I know I am speaking as an old veteran of this wild lifestyle …. but I am not. This whole exile only happened a few hours ago, so don’t be too proud of me just yet. And I don’t know how long it will last….but I hope I’ll get to enjoy this break at least for a whole week before I cave in again, and feel the irresistible urge to post a picture of my breakfast, or fish for likes with the newest, cutest thing my daughter just said.

What if, during my break, I just realize that most things in my life is just for ME, to take it all in and enjoy it fulling…not to pass along right away and measure the value of the post with the amount of likes it gets.  What a sick and twisted society we live in these days, and we don’t even realize it, only when we force ourselves to part with these apps, we feel the hole in us….But let me tell you, this hole is a lot bigger while you are ON these apps. You are just too distracted to notice it. And as you stop the noise, you notice the presence of the hole for the first time, and you don’t try to distract yourself from it with the next trending video or the other spiritual post you gift to the world, but you sit with it, with the silence, the hole, the vast darkness in you, and you just observe it, watch it and accept it as it is…and relax into it. Then it starts shrinking, and shrinking and shrinking until you are so comfortable with yourself that you can’t remember if you had a hole in you, or you were just simply one.

(an S hole…but that’s another topic for another day)

 

I quit trying to “make an impact”

Today I was walking around at Target hunting for the 10th birthday present I had to buy in this summer season for all those summer birthdays my kids are invited to, when I noticed the T-shirt sold for kids with these writings on them: “Make waves”, “Make a difference” “Make an impact”.And it made me very uneasy in my stomach. I realized how culturally brainwashed we all are in this Western Modern world we live in,  especially in this capitalist, individualist-worshiping American culture. This self advertising, egotistical and arrogant message has been the motto for so many years, and it is getting loud and proud by the minute. “They” tell it to anyone and everyone to “make a difference”, “change the world” “go out to the world, become a leader and make an impact”. And this ideology is not just the motto of the materialistic world, but also crept into the spiritual world and teachings as well lately. So many self-helping, self-proclaimed home made gurus are preaching that the secret to happiness is you becoming something different than what you are now, achieving your dreams and goals and making an impact on others and the world around you. But holy crap, there are soooo many flaws with this theory.

First of all: if everyone is a leader, who the hell will be the follower? It takes two to tango, and if both of them are trying to lead, it will be more of a disaster than a flowing, beautiful dance. So not everyone has to be a leader, and a follower is not any less either ..but an equal. Following is a skill as well. It’s like a yin-yang form. Both are opposites yet equally needed to for a whole.

Second : people are dumb as f@ck. Me included. People don’t know shit. Yes, we explore the world and we discover things, but we haven’t figured out the answer to the most basic and burning question of all time: who we are, how did we get here and where are we going? Who are we and what is consciousness? Plus how to live in peace and harmony with the life and habitat around us without destroying it and biting the hand that feeds us. All we have done was “concurring” lands, each other, torturing humans, animals and the field around us….and you are telling *these people* to “go out and make a difference”, “voice your opinion” and “leave your imprint on this earth”. Please don’t!  You wouldn’t tell visitors of a museum standing next to a perfectly composed, beautifully painted piece of art to go ahead and “leave your footprint on it”, “make a difference” or “make a video of it and preach your opinion to the crowd because your opinion matters”. NO! You would tell them to shut the hell up, don’t ruin it with your dirty fingerprints and appreciate the beauty that it gives you or leave the museum. Yet, with Mother Earth, we think we are the shit, we are the ultimate catharsis of creation and we are here to make a difference (but notice, any difference we have made so far has only been ruining the originally perfect creation, not adding anything positive to it).  We are dumb humans, we don’t know how to live without causing damage and messing with the perfect masterpiece. Let’s not be so cocky to think that our ideas, thoughts and ways of life is the only good way of being/thinking because ideas/self perceptions and opinions change ALL.THE.TIME! So why do we think that where ever we are in this moment is what needs to be voiced and shouted from the top of the hill to convince everyone that they are wrong, and we are right. Because that’s all what it comes down to after all. The battles of the EGOS.

Thirdly: this puts a lot of pressure on everyone to live up to this social hype& expectations of “becoming” someone, leaving an impact on the world around us and takes the focus away from actually just “being” and enjoying what life has to offer. Why do humans always feel the need to be in charge, in control…when in reality, they have no idea what they are doing?! We are just dumb children trying to drive a car we know absolutely nothing about, yet so convinced that that’s our job…to drive, to control…and that only makes us crash into the first tree or house anyways. Instead of constantly trying to impose our ideas and world views on the world we are living in (and that functions just perfectly without our control over it anyways) we could just relax into this being, living, observing, appreciating, and following the natural flow of life. No need to put so much pressure on ourselves to be someone or something else other than who we already are. How do you know that the success you achieve is not gonna be the first step of the biggest failure you experience? How do you know for sure that what you think is your most delicious dream is not gonna turn into the worst nightmare once it comes true?! How many times have you gotten what you wanted and turned out it was not good for you at all? How many times did our best ideas backfire once we made them come true?! How can people still trust their own limited, ego-centered and arrogant ideas and world views, super imposing it on others and trying to make profit off of it. And deeming others a loser, or a failure if they don’t get in line and try to climb up on the ladder that’s leaning towards the wrong wall. Why do we hint this idea into the western people’s subconscious that the only life worth living is the one where you are admired, approved by others, conquering others, achieving high goals and becoming rich. Why is a simple life that lives in harmony with nature and doesn’t create chaos or harm to others not equally as admired or noticed or worshiped?????

Let me tell you why! Because there is no profit in it for anyone and the only person who benefits from it is the one living in peace with his life. No one else around him will be able to make money off of a person who is content with his life (what do you sell someone who has it all?), his body (who will be able to sell a diet pill or plastic surgery to the one who accepts and loves his/her own body?!), or who is present where ever he is,( instead of trying to get to anywhere BUT present moment). This idea of constant dissatisfaction is the breeding ground of all profit hungry corporations and also behind those self-help guru messages (because you will sign up for their news letters, subscribe to their YouTube channels and pay for their courses of “life changing events”.

I believe everyone has and knows this truth deep down inside, but we have been so separated from our true nature, our inner voice and our intuition that underneath all these outside influences, chatters, noises and preaching, we can’t recognize and trust what’s real anymore. And the more we listen to these noises around us, the more lost we will feel in this rat race, in this doing, achieving and accomplishing, and we will never reach the finish line, but will die in exhaustion chasing our own tails.

Instead we should just stop, quiet down and give space and time to hear what’s real, what’s underneath all this outside noise and follow it. It’s there in everyone. I think…. I hope…but again, I am not imposing this idea on anyone, because what the hell do I know?! The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing. And the more I discover, the less sure I am about anything and everything.

mothernature5_8954

Quit trying to control life & just go with the flow

I am not saying I have mastered it….matter of fact, I am far from it. But I have had an experience last night that made me see the difference between struggling with trying to control the uncontrollable vs bliss & flow without it. In another person. Because my actions are too close to home, I guess. I notice things much better from a distance. 🙂

So anyway, here is what happened. A couple months ago, while talking to one of my friends, it came to my attention that there was out there man who has never had sex before.  This made me VERY curious. The “therapist” in me woke up immediately and wanted to come to the rescue. Half curiosity, and half of it was genuine desire to help someone discover this playground we call sex. I even told my friend ” well, send him my way and I will show him a thing or two.” But none of us really believed it would happen until I actually put some thought into it and after much consideration, I was like ” well, I’ve done worse things before in the name of sex, so I don’t see why helping someone make the first step on this road would be so bad indeed.”

So I made my offer, my friend was surprised but happy, she conveyed the message and he – to our biggest surprise – agreed to it. He was ready for a major change finally.

So the night has come, he came over and was very nervous. I brought out the big guns, beer, jokes, talking..but we had to use pot because none of it seem to really calm down those nerves. After we both got appropriately high, I made my move on him. ( Let me tell you, I discovered a new side to me too. I used to think I liked dominant guys, but now that the table has turned, I actually really enjoyed being in the driver’s seat as well).

We started with kissing, and despite that it seemed to him that he was only imitating a fish on a shore, he actually did pretty good. I am a kissing queen, (not just quitting) and I know a good kiss when I feel one, that’s for sure. SO I thought, damn, we are off to a good start. But obviously he was nervous as hell. And I noticed moments when he could let go and enjoy the moment and get lost in it, but more often than not his little ego popped back up online and tried to take over everything. Tried to control things, but it realized that “oh, shit, wait a minute, I don’t know what I’m doing”.  And that’s when he stalled and got nervous and the whole thing paused. The flow was over. 

sex

That was such a huge contrast to see in action. I could witness live how different the flow of life is when WE (our little egos) want to control everything, yet it has no idea what to do, and how to do it VS. when we just lay down on the wave of life with our backs to it, breath and relax and just ride those waves as they come, instead of trying to control the whole ocean ourselves.

When he was out of his mind, and into his body, he did amazing. Things were flowing between us, we were feeding off of each other’s energies, he let go and let loose and you wouldn’t have been able to tell that this was his first time! But that part didn’t last long, because the ego is so super strong in our system, and I could see it come back online randomly, trying to take over the situation, wanting to be in control, yet realizing that it doesn’t know what it’s doing, where things are going and started panicking.

And that made me think of how similar this event and life really was. How often we get into our own ways, how often we want to control the uncontrollable, how often we think we should know what we don’t and do what we can’t, and therefore we put a lot of pressure, expectations and stress on ourselves. That tiny fragment of this fictional being we call EGO (which doesn’t even exist if you really think about it) thinks it is in charge, it knows the big picture and it knows right from wrong. Yet, it is so wrong. Only thing it’s doing is living in constant fear, stress and being everywhere in the past or future, but never in the now. ….

Then there is the NOW….. LIFE….the PRESENT! The only thing that ever exists. The only real “thing” indeed. No one knows where it’s going, where it’s coming from, but it is here, and it is taking us on the best journey of our lives…if we let it. If we give up control, realize that we don’t know anything, and trust that whatever this life is, this moment is, “it” is knowing a whole lot more than our tiny little Egos could ever comprehend, and just relax into the present moment and go with the flow, wherever it takes us. Whatever feels right in the moment, follow it without overthinking it. Because as soon as the EGO/our little self/ us comes back into the picture, the flow of the magic stops, gets interrupted and instead of us being in our bodies, we jump back into our heads, and that’s what’s causing all the stress, anxiety and conflict. We get out of the present moment, the here and now that feels great and where “we” know what to do (not really, but it is being done to us anyway…life is living through us), and we start watching the movie of the past memories and the future fears…and BOOM there goes the magic, the moment, the flow.

So there it was….the pure freedom and utter panic right in front of me played out within an hours, alternating. All depending on him trying to control the situation OR simply letting go and relaxing into the now. So simple, yet we make it so complicated.

After a long night of therapy, counseling and sex, I can happily announce that our virgin man is no longer virgin, and he did very well indeed, not only giving himself and orgasm, but to me as well. I am proud of my student, and my teacher, who shows me the difference between trusting life, relaxing into it vs overthinking it and trying to control every aspect of it with out little egos.

Print

 

 

 

 

I quit being ashamed & shy about my naked body.

My friend asked me to go with her to Breitenbush Hot Springs and since I had nothing better to do, I agreed to this plan. I’ve never been to this place, but I’ve always heard the name floating around, so it was on my bucket list of things to do anyway. I packed my swimsuits, towels and flip flop and was ready to roll. Little did I know that I was in for a surprise.  As we rolled up to the property, and I asked my friend where I could change into my bathing suit, she looked at me surprised then bursted out in laughter. She then informed me that it was a nude hot springs and people don’t wear bathing suits or fig leaves around here.  I was immediately drenched in cold sweat, my face turned bloody red and I was contemplating my escape route, but she was the driver and we were pretty far from my home, so I stayed.

Mind you, I have no problem being naked or hairy (down there) …in the comfort of my home, maybe even in front of my children, if I want to be adventurous, free spirited and wild. 🙂 But I have NEVER EVER in my 35 years been to a nudist beach or hippy dippy hot springs where people of every shape and sizes ( although unfortunately there wasn’t much of the color variety ) walk around in their birthing suits, hairy as God has intended them to be. Well, I thought, this is gonna get me out of my comfort zone immediately, so I proceeded on this wild journey, and did drop my clothes as we approached the first outdoor hot tub. The scenery was serene, gorgeous and calming, but on the inside I was shy, embarrassed, nervous, stressed, my heart was beating so fast it almost jumped into the pool before me. I might have even been sweating, but it is hard to tell in a hot tub. But I made it all the way into the tub and quickly folded and twisted my tiny body into a little pretzel, trying my best to disappear and become invisible, with not much luck. Then I started noticing all the inside chatter that was going on in my head: “I bet these people are watching me. I wonder if they notice my pancake boobs with the dark areolas and big nipples. No to mention that they are soggy like war-ridden,  deflated socks. Or my pussy…oh, boy, better hide that. At this point I was actually happy that it wasn’t perfectly shaven, which would have caused me to die of embarrassment if I was caught in bed like that during intercourse, but here it was a shield of protection at least. But it is definitely not in porn star shape, by far. (Actually, not bad at all, but I am so hard on every little piece of my body, it’s not even funny anymore.) Or my belly button, boy, they will see that it is an outie. Or my posture, not straight and confident enough? But how could it be? I am trying to shrink over here, like Alice in wonderland.”

Oh, the thoughts. Then I didn’t even want to look at anyone else, I felt so weird, as if I was invading their privacy. But they dangled their privates in front of me freely, as they were exiting the sauna or the tub like this was the most natural form of existence.
In reality, it is. Underneath our clothes, we are all naked anyway. But our social and cultural conditioning got us thinking that covering up is the normal and most natural way of being. It is not the same with tribal people, but here in our “civilized” society, we believe that modesty is noble.

Once I overcame my initial shock of being naked -and so are other people around me as well-  I started talking to my friend about hang-ups, inhibitions  and where do all these things come from. My 4 yr old is already self conscious about her ARMPIT 🙂 because it has lines in it (facepalm) and that she has a side-boob if she wears a tight leotard. Where on earth does this come from, especially at this age??? So I asked my friend about the time when she first became conscious that something on her body was not “supposed to be” the way it was? Because before that thought enters your mind and we believe it, we have absolutely no problem with anything on our bodies. But once someone says something (because most of the time it is someone else pointing something out, and usually not in a nice way) and we believe it, we become aware of that body part, and we become ashamed of it. Like when I was about 13 yrs old and I was wearing my shorts at PE class, this nice “gentleboy” (cuz he wasn’t a fullbloom man just yet) next to me looked down and said: “Wow, what a mammoth legs you have. You should shave.” Never once occurred to me that my body wasn’t right the way it was, until it was pointed out to me. Just like I never realized that there could be a problem with your privates,too, until I heard guys making fun of “met curtains or beef sandwiches” or criticize someone else’s “pancake butt” or people talk about ” innies and outies”. Once you are aware of it, you create a complexion in your mind and you try to hide it or change it in order to appear “normal”. In worse cases you develop mental illnesses like anorexia, bulemia or body dysmorphic disorder.
Our prude culture sure doesn’t help this phenomena with us never being exposed to REAL naked human variety of body shapes and types. Even if we are, it’s either photo shopped, picture perfect female bodies in magazines sponsored by big beauty companies banking on our insecurities, or porn star girls with their many plastic surgeries like labioplasty, boob jobs or anal bleaching….yes, you heard me right! So how can a regular human being compete with this? When that’s your only exposure to other naked human bodies, and automatically you start comparing yourself with them, and you will fall short (cuz most of us do) then you are bound to feel less than them.  But when you do hang out with these “hippies” in nudist beaches and hot springs, you do realize that there are human bodies in ALL shapes and sizes, and no matter if you are tall or short, fat or skinny, hairy or shaven, big or small boobs or penis, innie or outie, you are all perfect as you are. You have a body, that is your vehicle, takes you everywhere, let’s you experience the hot water, let’s you enjoy earthly pleasures, helps you feel so many things that otherwise you wouldn’t be able to….and they are all perfect as they are. Anything other than this is just what YOU THINK AND BELIEVE onto them, nothing else. In reality, a body is just a body….and what I decided to think and believe onto them, is what makes me suffer or enjoy it. If I believe my body is not OK as it is, I will suffer. If I accept it as it is, and I actually appreciate it, I might even enjoy this worldly experience I am having.

The choice is mine. And thankfully by the end of the day, I switched my mindset and I was confidently walking in and out of the tubs as if being naked was the most comfortable, natural state I could ever be…. because in reality: IT IS!

 

nudist

I quit blaming men for everything…

I know, in today’s angry feminist world, the “metoo” hurricane movement and its rapid after effects, what I’m about to say probably won’t be a popular opinion among many, but I still think it needs to be shared regardless.

I know the scale is tipping, and the overpowering, dominant, aggressive patriarchy with it’s toxic masculinity seems to be collapsing like the great Roman Empire with the arrival of the fast rising, even angrier and more aggressive feminist movement. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a necessary change, something that’s evident and was bound to happen, no matter what…. yet somehow it still doesn’t sit well with me that now we assign men to be our scapegoats for all the problems in the world, we fight against them, publicly, heartlessly shame, humiliate and destroy them. Do some of them deserve it? Well… maybe… but who am I to play judge in this game, when I can’t even keep myself clean and holy for a day, let alone a whole lifetime. Plus, when did war ever end with war, or who put out fire with more fire? How will public shaming, humiliation, aggression, hatred, bad mouthing, anger ever bring peace, calm and balance to this world?

And no, I am not saying we should just sit there with our thumbs up our butts and let them do as they please … but I do think that the saying that “hurt people hurt people” is quite accurate, and if someone causes pain to another person, then in order to cure the disease – instead of just getting rid of the symptoms – you have to dig deep, find the root of the cause and heal it from there. Feminists seem -at least to me- that they only want to get rid of the symptoms, shift power and let women rule for a change. But in order to create a healthy world where we can all peacefully coexist (hahhaha listen to me and my futuristic, optimistic, delusional, Utopian daydreams) I think we need to heal men. Yes, obviously, women too…but right now, we should focus on men as well, because if they  heal, we women will benefit from it the most.

Why do I say this?

Because sometimes I play with the idea of me being a man and how it would feel  like to live in that body, in that social role, under those expectations…and let me tell you, I am not particularly wanting to be one. Yes, there are perks to it, as you never have to bleed on a monthly occasion, or put up with PMS for days before it (although we make sure that they suffer from it just as much as we do 🙂 ), be under the influence and mercy of your constantly changing hormones, give up your life  and body after having kids, suffer from work place inequity, or be on the less pleasurable side of this rape culture… gosh, you know what? You are right, what’s my point here? Men suck. End of story, period! 🙂

Nah, I do have a point though. When I pictured myself into a body and role of a man, I realized that there is tremendous pressure on them. From the get go they are cut off from their emotions and feelings. They are not allowed to express and talk about why they are sad, lonely, they can’t cry because “boys don’t cry, you are not a pussy, suck it up, walk it off and rub some dirty on it”. They are so disconnected from their feelings and emotions that we  can’t even blame them for not even realizing that they have any. When you are conditioned your whole life to not feel, or hide it and deny it…. are you surprised that you turn into a cold -hearted asshole?
Then there is the pressure of becoming the Alpha male, the Man, who is cool, who has the most chicks, and if you are anything short of that, then you are labeled as a loser.
Or being the breadwinner. You have the pressure to provide for your whole family, be able to bring home the cash, so that the wifey is happy and the kids are fed. That’s a whole lot of pressure on a person. I know, in today’s modern world women face it as well, but the aftermath of the old school mentality is still present in so many men that are still alive today and passing on their own twisted standards.
Then there is the hormone issue. Yeah, we deal with PMS but have you experienced extreme HORNINESS while ovulating? I know I am a walking sex-machine, and all I see everywhere is dicks. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a stranger from the street and doing him, because I am so under this urge, that I can’t think clearly. And this is only once a month. But at this time I always get a taste of how it must feel to be a man and not being able to stop thinking about sex. It is easier for women to say that “how hard it must be to not think about sex?” when your sex drive is close to zero, but when your hormones hijack your intelligence, you can’t think clearly and it requires a big dose of self-discipline indeed to do what comes naturally for a woman who is not under the “influence”. That’s why guys can only talk about sex and sports and cars because sex is a given … they are a walking sex machines, and the ones that are not, their testosterone levels have dropped drastically for some known or unknown reasons. And sports is because they wanna belong, feel part of the group (just like women) and that’s the only socially accepted public emotional way that they are allowed to talk about it and express it without the fear of being called a faggot. Then cars….because that’s the furthest thing from emotions, therefore a safe subject again.
Not to mention wars… who were disposable? Still are… MEN! They have to suck it all up, be brave, not show fear or terror, and walk into the hungry mouth of death with their head held high. Women and children have the luxury to appear weak and helpless, to show fear…but think about it: do men have this right as well?

So let me be the whistle blower here and blow the cover off of this species called men. They are a whole lot like us, women. Whether we wanna admit it or not, we are more alike than different.
Maybe they have a tougher exterior, maybe they show it differently, maybe they hit first instead of talking it out. Maybe they would rather punch a wall before they would ever show tears in front of others. Maybe they use different tools to get the human touch they crave so badly. Maybe instead of being their honest, open, vulnerable self, they hide behind their masks of masculinity of six packs, big guns and muscle brains, thick wallets and big sports cars.

mask

But underneath it all, if you scratch the surface a bit and dig a little deeper, you’ll find that they, too, have emotions, but they have not been allowed to express it as freely as we have because they have to seem cool, calm and collected at all times. (Therefore they die of heart attack most of the time). They like poetry, art and songs and kindness, but afraid to talk about it openly risking being labeled gay or a wuss. They need love and acceptance just like we do, but they might not even be aware of it most of the time.

But they are just like us. They want to be understood and respected, just like us. They long for their mother’s arms when they are in pain, just like us. They want to feel connection, just like us. And when they are sick, weak, or the wind of death has touched them a little, they are scared and afraid of it, just like us.

We are all humans. We are not against each other, but FOR each other. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming each other for our own suffering, we should first look into ourselves and see where are we doing the exact same things that we are so vocal about when it comes to accusing the other gender. Then once we found it in us (because we will find it, we are not that holy and innocent after all either) then work on solving the problem instead of intensifying it. A rambunctious child won’t change for the better with punishment, hatred, shaming and blaming. But will respond well to the right kind of attention, love, understanding, listening, providing space to be able to talk about their feelings, and help them feel like this world is a safe place for them to be honest as well.

Once they are healed, we are healed. Once one sees clearly, the whole world will clear up. But it all starts within, with us first. Man or woman, doesn’t matter. It starts in you and ends in you. That’s the secret that can’t be told, only lived.

 

I quit trying to figure it all out…

No, I have not quit my blog (yet), but it’s only a matter of time, knowing my personality… or my accumulated collection of patterns in this earthly flesh, as they would call a personality.

I don’t know, man….

The modern, western human is so depressed and depressing in these modern days. We spend our whole days in cement buildings, sitting in front of little black boxes, isolated, boxed up with our wild, random thoughts that attack us from nowhere, and we believe them without even questioning them for a second, then drive ourselves crazy with them. We barely ever move, or see the sunlight, interact with real flash and bone humans, mother nature, share emotions with each other. We just look at our mini computer in our hands 24/7, feeling “connected” but in reality we are only connected to a fake, manipulated, photo shopped virtual reality. We are constantly told to work hard, grind harder, hussle til we die, never give up, follow our passion, life our lives to the fullest, gain more and buy even more, get your dream job and after that dare to dream even bigger, always chase your own tail and never catch it.

And maybe it is necessary, in order to get us going, to make us “feel” useful, to make us spend prison time without contemplating the pointlessness of this life we have found ourselves in the middle of and can’t seem to be able to make any sense of it whatsoever. Because what is the point in reality???

We are born without being asked if we even wanted to. Then we just float around in this weird “oneness” where nothing is separated and we cry and laugh whenever the game-makers decide to. Then slowly we learn to attach symbols to different objects and we are hypnotized into this so called shared reality….or at least we think it is shared, but who knows, really?! Is there a way to prove it? Our perception of anything is very customized, very personal, depending on our filters, memories and understanding. How will I ever know what the other person is thinking on the inside? I can never be sure of anything. If they tell me the truth or is it a lie? Is anything really true after all? The longer you think about something, evidently it will turn into a lie. And if nothing is true, do I really wanna live in a world full of lies? Or having a big fat nothing underneath it all, would that be even better? Isn’t that even more depressing? Is it true that love is what all there is? Or is that another soothing, calming lie again to keep the masses sedated? Or is this just fear talking again?

I swear my mind drives me crazy! And who is that “Me” who is going crazy underneath it all? Really…..

So I stopped. I don’t want to figure out anything anymore. If I am just an avatar in the game, what can I do about it anyway? If I want to escape, how will I know that “out there” will be that much better? Or is it fear speaking again? Is really everything I ever wanted is on the other side of fear or is that just another Insta worthy quote for the masses again?

Ah, I don’t know, I don’t care.

I am not trying to figure it all out. What life is about…what my life is about?  What am  I supposed to do with my life? Is there free will or are we just puppets in this show called life? I don’t care if I have a purpose or not. What will that change anyway?

I’ll still ” chop wood, carry water” either way. What will knowing change in reality? Nothing.

I…or my Ego…just likes chewing on these thought bones endlessly and keeping itself occupied, because that’s it’s job. To spin, to chew, to think, to go crazy.

But maybe, just maybe, underneath it all, there is a quiet, calm, content and happy ME… maybe.

 

universe

I quit caring about everyone’s business but mine…

I am a friend. And empath. A helper. A listener and a counselor. A person who is always there for others, no matter how busy my life is or how drained I am at times. And I am good at it. (Not my words, but others’)

But enough is enough.

I like the minimalist approach when it comes to stuff and clutter in the house, and just recently I applied that method to the rest of my life as well. I decided to get rid of people in my life, all the friends I have, all the acquaintances, lovers, fuck buddies,  etc.
(I couldn’t get rid of my children or my mother, but trust me, I would have 🙂 )

I also deleted my apps that were distracting me and sucking my time away from me. Anything that makes me get in contact with humans, I closed down. I pushed myself to the desert, the edge of total bareness and emptiness.

“Why would you make such a drastic move?” you might ask.

Well, it got to a point where I realized that although I am there for everyone at any time of the day, and it helps them most of the time, in reality it drains me like nothing else. I take on their problems, I carry them, I try to solve them for them, and it effects me for the worse. But this weird urge comes from within me that I need to share, I need to educate, I need to tell people things, I need to help. But in reality, is that true?! Do I really NEED TO do all these things? So now I decided to give myself a break from all these “needs” and see if the world would collapse without my cooperation and without me holding up the pillars of it. (I have a strong hunch that it will go on just fine, but my ego is struggling to accept this concept 🙂 )

It all started with me wanting to go on a trip with my friends. My friends with whom we talked about it already and seemed excited about it as well. But when the actual planning part took place, they backed out, and not in a straight forward way- which I would have appreciated, -but a rather cowardly, beating around the bush kinda way. It did make me upset, and that’s what triggered my decision to take a break from the illusion of friendships that I thought I had, because the painful reality is that whenever they need me in a way they do, I am there for them, but when I -once in a blue moon – ask them to do the same for me, they don’t seem to understand the importance of it.  Ultimately we are always alone in this world, and I have known it deep down since I was little, but I liked the illusion that fooled me otherwise.
Yes, something in me was triggered, hence the decision of taking a break from my “friends” for a few months, but also it made me very happy as well, because it forced me to want to travel alone for a change, and do the things I “needed” them to do all alone. Because the only person who can make me happy is me alone, no one else. I can’t sit around waiting for everyone else to accommodate my wants and needs as I please, and I also am not obligated to do that for them either. I can do it and I certainly can please them as well, but that should be my decision, my choice and wanting nothing else in return. So this whatever happened made me stop a bit, analyze why I was doing things in the first place and I realized  that while I’ve been doing all that service to others, I have not been taking care of the only business I was responsible for: MY OWN BUSINESS.

Here I am going around mingling in everyone’s life, meanwhile abandoning my own. My life is empty, chaotic, frantic and emptied out, all because the owner of that business is gone, being busy with everyone else’s problems but hers.

I can’t blame my friends for it, they had nothing to do with it. It was all my choice and my own fault. This situation- no matter how painful it was at the moment-  just pushed me back towards myself again, woke me up from my delusional ways of leading my life and for that I can forever be thankful to my friends. Because even the “bad things” are good for something and this emptying out of my life, sitting down with myself and all that time on my hands now makes me take a closer look at my real self, my real wants and needs, helps me get rid of the old bad habits and forming some new, healthier habits instead. It also makes me panicky sometimes because when you are not doing the same old distracting things, what are you really gonna do with all that time on your hands? Also when I have a thought and I am wondering what they are doing or how their lives are, it forces me to let that thought just happen in my mind and not actually act upon it. It forces me to actually not try to help others with advice when I do meet up with humans, just let them talk freely and listen to them and tell myself on the inside that “indeed, it is not my problem, not my business” and let it all go, without the inner urgent need to interact, to enforce my own philosophy, my own vision and my own mind onto it. Just letting things be as they are, people be who they are and be at peace with it, without trying to change one single thing about it.

It is eye opening to say the least. It is getting me out of my comfort zone and is shifting my perception, but I am loving this ride. It is making me reevaluate myself, my old wiring, why I do things and do I really need to be like that? I feel like deep within it is creating a whole new “me”.
You know when you want to clean your fridge, first you have to take everything out of it in order to get to it. I feel like I am the fridge that’s been overused and neglected, in need of some TLC. People are the fillers in it.
Once I have emptied my life from distractions and clutter, I will see what it all looks like, what needs to be repaired, what needs to be fixed, or cleaned….and THEN…. whatever is still good and useful will go back to the fridge, and whatever has expired, gone bad is going out of my life. Same with people, relationship, habits.

Cheers to new endings and even newer beginnings!

cheers

 

I quit chasing the next moment…

pole-dancing

As I watched back my pole dancing videos (Yes, I do pole dance, and NO, I’m not a stripper…mind-blowing, isn’t it?) I was not happy with what I saw. Others seemed to like it, but I was bothered by something that I couldn’t really pinpoint. Something just didn’t feel right. Seemed rushed, pretentious, timid… something was off. So I sat with this feeling and instead of being ashamed, and run away from it, I was in this uncomfortable mess, trying to analyze where the feeling was coming from. What was the source of the “off-ness” of the dance?

And then I found it. I located it. It was the “not validating this moment, not lingering in it, not living it and being in it, but already thinking about the next move, and feeling like I am already behind”. Like “I’ve done this, there you go, now I gotta go, otherwise I’ll miss that invisible train.”.  While I am at the post where I have to be in that moment in time, I feel like I am already behind, because I’m not at that imaginary next step already. But that made the whole performance unenjoyable -at least for me – was that anytime I enjoyed watching someone  dance on the pole was exactly because they weren’t scared to linger in the moment, to hold the pose for 2-3 spins straight, instead of rushing into the next move too quickly. They take their time to get into a pose, and then stay in them while breathing into them for many spins and they are not afraid to be vulnerable in it, to get lost in it and show that they actually enjoy it. They are just there and we get enough time to take it all in. Because without a witness, what is the art worth?

pole-dance-photo

So that’s how I learnt that this is exactly what I do in EVERY other single area in my own life. I rush through every phase in my life as if it wasn’t important enough because I already know it, I am already in it, and that’s not where I need to be but at the next step, next phase, next anything that brings me closer to happiness. Because happiness as we all know it, is only the “next pose, next step, next job, next house, car or boyfriend away only”. 🙂 Right there, just an arm reach away, never where we are right now at the moment! 🙂 (if you haven’t caught up yet, I am being sarcastic)

But (I don’t know how to not start my sentences without a BUT or an AND…and none of them are appropriate sentence starters.) in order to create a masterpiece, and enjoyable art out of my life, I need to linger longer in each pose, in each step and each phase, without rushing into the next chapter, thinking I am already late from the movie of my life. I already missed my chance. There is time. Mostly because time is an illusion. There is nothing ever real but the NOW, the present. And the more “time” I put into it, the better the piece will look. Some poses require more time to sink in, to give the chance for the audience to take it all in and admire it, and some poses are quicker, more surprising. But (here again!…”BUT”) i I rush through it all, and there are no dramatic pauses, longer lingers, breathing into shapes and forms, therefore the harmony, the rhythm and the beauty of it is all lost in a hectic, chaotic hot mess and this is not what I am aiming for.

Take your time in each day of your life,  each step on that ladder and each phase of your life. The more painful the pose is, the prettier it looks, and the more you have to be in the moment to really do it well. Just like life. When it really hurts, that’s the time to really zone in, get centered and breath into it, relax into it and not rush getting out of it quickly.

Now go and make that masterpiece, God and Goddess! 😉ad_121400460

I quit slut-shaming myself (and others)

ROSAMOSARIO_BEDOUIN-ROMANCE_COVER_1200x680_crop_center

I live in a delusional world. And so does everyone else.

Up until yesterday the picture of me in my head was an innocent, playful but harmless little girl who is not that into sex, not that comfortable with her sexuality and is certainly not using her sexual powers to seduce men. Not only that she doesn’t use them, but purposefully suppresses it as well. Just like Elza in Frozen. She is aware that she has a cool and powerful superpower, but since it can be used for destruction once in a while, she is better off not using it at all.

Well, that was ME in MY HEAD…. until reality came knocking on my door. I was talking to a friend of mine about men and my experience with them, when that specific friend asked me to finally write down the list of the guys I’ve had sex with after my marriage. I got divorced 3 years ago, so I had to go all the way back and try to remember everyone I had sexual encounters with. To my surprise, I have forgotten many of my one night stands, but they slowly kept creeping back into my memory field. Obviously I couldn’t remember names, so I listed them as the “juggler guy”, or the “guy I had sex with in tall grass in front of the club”, or  “4 rounds stoned sex one-nighter”. And the list went on and on and on until I hit 36 (THIRTY-SIX!!!). Then I stopped straining my memory muscles and quit counting. I stared at the list in utter disbelief. Quickly called my 2 closest friends and quickly did their math but they could only come up with 12 at the most for the last few years. So “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the slutties of them all?” And here I am the whole time thinking I am the most innocent among my friends. Talking about delusions….

The feeling of shame and unease came over me as I was struggling with this number. Tried to make it look pretty in many ways, divided it by the number of months and it turned out I had one guy for every month. Which, if you put it that way,  is not that bad. If I say that I had once a month sex in the last few years, it is not slutty at all. Matter of fact, that’s a pretty sad fact. So sad, that I should almost feel sorry for myself.  So now instead of feeling shame for being a slut, I am feeling sorry for not getting laid enough. Talking about being confused.

Thirty-six! Is it too much or too little??? Where is the limit between a normal human sexual appetite and a whore and who gets to pick that magic number? Is 20 still acceptable but 21 is crossing the line? Or is 36 still somewhat acceptable but 60 would be unforgivable? And does it make a difference if a man or a woman is the proud owner of this number? Does 36 make a man an average fuck, but makes an instant slut out of a woman? Why do guys become kings of the sheets with the increase of this number, yet a woman should be ashamed of herself if she dares to open her legs to more than 5 visitors within her lifetime?!

So after a flood of moral questions washing over my tiny brain of mine, I quickly gave up on the idea of slut-shaming myself. What for? And what’s the point anyway???

As Kierkegaard said it so beautifully: “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

Well, I have experienced it, alright?! At least 36 time, and I don’t regret any of them. They all taught me something, they all made me feel one way or another, and they all showed me a different side of myself, of my sexuality and personality. What is there to regret? Who says that sex should only be enjoyed within a committed relationship or with one person only? And if I don’t have that one magical person around, what should I do? Put my pussy up on the shelf and let it dry out? Grow a bush on it and hide it until Prince Charming comes along and graces me with his dick presence? Nope. Not this pussy. She is way too curious and too alive to be left in the dark, neglected and alone. She wants to come out and play. Experience what life has to offer, and take all the pleasures (and sometimes pain) it can. No shame in it and I won’t buy into that old school patriarchal ideology that a woman should be immaculate for her man. (Yet the man can screw any maid and mistresses he pleases). That time has passed.

So here I am with the number 36.

I’m planning on putting some more work into it eventually and hopefully the numero 40 will be the magic number. A guy I can give up collecting trophies for, and settle down with…at least for 36 months. (Ok, knowing myself it’s not months, it”s weeks….maybe 36 weeks…that’s more doable and reasonable in my life)

c8da23c09876f4fc43c778d00a00d1c5